Arnica Anonymous

Let's face it, October was a little bit of hell for me. Midterms, uncertainty about whether or not I could finish school next semester, preparing to move my Grandma in with us, campaigning for my dad's election, guy problems, car problems--you name it, it happened.

My plans, I had them laid out. All nice and clear and straight. In bold clean ink, I wrote them. But then, along came fate. They were tumbled, crashed, knocked over, Bruising deeply as they fell. Each way I turned now blocked me in, They’d formed a living hell. I tried to rearrange them, Rebuild my shattered dreams, But they cut my hands, tore my arms, And muffled all my screams. Broken down and fainting, I knew I had no hope. Till somewhere up above me, There simply dropped a rope. Desperate for my freedom, I grabbed at it to flee, The rope, it wasn’t strong enough. It broke and I fell free. The darkness it encompassed me. Complete, and black, and thick. I bowed my head and gave up. My heart soon slowed its tick. I know You have a purpose, Designed a perfect plan, But sometimes I can’t see it, Since I am just a man. I feel so often shattered, Helpless to fix my life, Surrounded by my upset goals, A path

It would surprise most people (including those I live with) to know how often I struggle with depression. It's something I have always felt guilty for because nothing in my life is really that bad. And doesn't God say that He should be our joy and we should find contentment in Him? Therefore if I have chronic blues, aren't I doing something wrong? So I laugh at life when I can and keep my sadness to myself. Regardless of the answer to my questions, the fact remains, feeling joyful does not come naturally to me. I have to go after joy with a pickax. One thing I have started doing recently is "Listing the Positives". A hike in perfect weather this afternoon The multi-colored leaves of Autumn The specialized calculator that was given to me so I no longer have to get to school and use theirs an for an hour before my 8 am class The package of GF Oreos my darling mother gave me My violin -- always and forever listed as a positive A freshly renewed friends

  Enough How did I get here again? Why do You feel so silent? I know You're supposed to be my joy, But right now nothing feels like it's enough. I am exhausted Feeling lost Worn out and alone Aware of every failing When will I be okay again? Is there any peace to have? 'Cause right now there is a waterfall Trying to pour from my eyes, And nothing feels like it's enough. Your child is exhausted Feeling lost  Worn out and alone So aware of every failing Will I ever be okay again? Why do You have holes in Your hands? You sweat drops of blood While Your friends slept. And I feel like that's not enough. When I am exhausted Feeling lost  Worn out and alone Aware of every failing Begging to become okay again, You remind me: Why would I go forty days without food? Feel My Father turn His back? Let My friend betray me, If I wasn't going to be enough? When you are exhausted Feeling

Sometimes I just can't seem to get ahead in life. But then I wonder, is this the way it is for everyone? Maybe I am just a drama queen. Perhaps I make things seem like a bigger deal than they really are? Is God trying to teach me to trust Him more and I am just throwing up my hands and calling it too much? Last week I had yet another guy approach me professing feelings and hoping to consider the possibility of a relationship.  I was entirely blindsided by this development.

Chattanooga, TN Almost seven weeks into school and I have only thrown up once, fainted twice, and lost 10 pounds. No joke. I don't handle stress well.

I really love fireworks, even if the dust/fog they create makes me cough. The anticipation as a yellow comet squeals into the air, then it hangs for a tiny moment, silent and still before blossoming with a loud boom into an explosion outward of one color, often followed by a downward shower of another. Once the streaks of light have dissipated, the sky is left with charcoal scars and I find my mouth hanging slightly open in awe.  And I have the joy of knowing I will see it all over again just as amazing only a little different when the next firework is set off. Over and over again. Boom. Boom. Boom.

Some of you who have been around for a while may have read my post last year on why I didn't want to get married. You may have also read some of the raw things I said after someone was interested in marrying me and things didn't work out. (You can read the first post here . And the sequel here .) I admit, I am a confusing person with conflicting opinions so please bear with me as I try to explain how and why my has heart changed in twelve months.

A random house I fell in love with on a vacation years ago. It hadn't occurred to me just what a drag the decision to move or not was making on me until my co-workers at the crisis pregnancy center commented on it. They had no idea I was considering anything but several of them kindly suggested that I seemed down.

Most of you are probably familiar with the 5 Love Languages, yes? Though I prefer general personality tests I enjoy analyzing friends and family from every angle and recently have been considering the angle of showing and receiving love. In my experience the vast majority of people have Quality Time as one of their top two love languages. I on the other hand, favor Gifts and Words of Affirmation. In fact, Quality Time is close to the bottom of my list. However it has come to my attention that I can shower my friends and family with all of the presents and kind words I can imagine and still not be loving as I should. Sometimes, love requires a lot more sacrifice from me because it involves doing something I don't enjoy. Like hanging out in my sister's 90 degree trailer (she apparently doesn't believe in AC) and listening to her tell the same five stories over and over for an entire three day weekend. Or simply sitting still and talking for several hours with a f

I nearly had a panic attack this morning. This has not been an easy year for me and the thing that calmed me the most is gone. My "little girl" died a few months ago. After having had her fury coat to cuddle and wagging tail to welcome me home for nine years her passing has left a big hole. Last week my boss told me that they can not afford me right now. Since I work at a non-profit a swinging and somewhat sporadic schedule was part of what I signed on for but she was warning of potentially a month of no work. I am pretty careful about spending money and I have savings but I have not quite gotten back to the spot I was before I bought my car in January and the thought potentially four weeks with no paycheck was unnerving.

I just wanted to drop in and quickly make an announcement: From now on I plan on expanding the content of this blog a little. I'm thinking of adding in some life updates, book reviews, pictures, etc. Hopefully it will make the content lighter, less daunting for me to consider writing, and more interesting for you to read! For a first step in that direction you can see that I have added a new page: So Many Books. This is a list of books I would recommend from non-fiction to biographies to secular fiction and more. If you are a fellow bibliophile be sure to check it out!

I was told the other day but a very old family friend that I was a "robot" when it came to emotions. He was not intending it as a complement but rather as an encouragement that it was healthy to have and show emotion. I was both stunned and a little hurt. Often times I feel rusted stiff inside. I feel one way, but I know I should be feeling another way, or maybe not upset at all. So I wind up an immovable mess, unable to process any emotions correctly. Reading the Psalms, we see the very emotional journals of David, a passionate man-- after God's own heart. He never discounts his emotions, whatever they are. Nor does he tell God what to do about his emotions. Over and over we can find a surprising pattern: A.) These are my circumstances and how I feel about them. B.) God is awesome. C.) Praise the Lord for being awesome and always taking care of me. He doesn't say whether his feelings are right or wrong. He expresses them and then turns to the Lord an

Since starting my job I have struggled against my biggest fear--being so tired with life that my brain stops working on a creative level and merely goes into autopilot. I have always worried I would join the rest of the adult world in their grey plodding through the years. Well, truth be told, I have done exactly that.

Let's just agree that I won't apologize for not posting regularly and you won't be offended by my lack of interaction on all your lovely blogs. Deal?? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I had the chance to attend a conference with my sister's church several weeks ago. During one session the teacher connected two Bible verses in a way that I had never before considered. Ephesians 3:17 says -- "That Christ may make His home in your hearts through faith." When we move into a new house what do we do to make it "our home"? We take out old furniture and put in new. We tear down walls. We strip out old cabinets. Basically, we make the place look entirely different and we make it fit us. Can you imagine how awkward it would be to try and do that with the previous owners still there? They would be offended and fight every change we made. When we ask Christ to make His home in our hearts we cannot retain ownership. There are no roped off areas marked "No

This year I wanted to be more faithful with posting on Arnica Anonymous even if it mean they were just quick little drop by posts. So...guess what this is? :) January has been full of blessings for me. I had been praying for some time for an other part time job and a few weeks ago one practically dropped into my lap (I now have three jobs). I also had gotten very tired of paying mileage on my borrowed car and the same day I started the new job I looked at and bought a lovely new set of wheels. God's timing was perfect and I am so blessed by this shower of his goodness. I do often feel tired though. Today I had to call in sick which gave me some free time from all but the job I do at home on my computer. And, as you can see, I was able to find a moment to do some catching up in the Blogosphere! Sometimes being sick can actually be a nice thing. ;) How has your 2018 been going so far? Can you believe we are already nearly a month into it?!

So...I am still here. And to start the New Year I would like to apologize for not reading and commenting on all of your lovely blogs more. I know I have missed some great content and I will try to do better in 2018! To move on, what I wanted to share today came to mind as  I was creating my New Year's resolutions. I was scribbling some thoughts down on struggles that I wanted to see conquered in 2018 and it occurred to me that I was handling them the wrong way. I was trying to be the tough one. The girl holding the blazing sword and saying, "You shall not pass!". That doesn't work though because my temptations don't come charging at me head-on with a snarl and horns. They tip-toe up behind me on sparkling fairy feet and whisper everything I could desire sweetly in my ear. (A quote I discovered on Pinterest but have been unable to locate the author of.) I am unable to stand and fight them but find myself instead following them with a charmed smile on