Perhpas, Father Along, I'll Understand Why

When I was thirteen my head conquered my heart long enough for me to pray a prayer--

"Lord, if I am to get married then I beg that you would only ever have one guy, the right one, be interested in me."

God has seen fit to not answer that prayer with a "yes".
Mac (not his real name) was the third guy to express an interest in me and the circumstances were rather unusual. I'm not going to take the time to go into details but suffice to say I had only briefly met him one time before he declared his intentions and came to visit.

I was very impressed. He was extremely thoughtful, unafraid to discus touchy topics (something I prefer to avoid), and displayed a stunning set of manners. The day after he visited he texted my father asking for feedback on his behavior and my respect bumped up a notch higher.

He had a wonderful sense of humor and noticed things about me that no one else did. I enjoyed him as a friend.

Over the next month Mac's visits continued punctuated by emailed discussions with my father about the two things I most wanted to know his convictions on--debt and divorce. Though he at first did not see our point of view on the latter issue he eventually did become convinced from the scriptures and I looked forward with curiosity to see how he handled the debt issue.

He and my dad had hardly touched the topic before I noticed it was a touchy one for Mac. Still I thought he handled it well until this past weekend.

Mac texted my father on Thursday night as I was getting home from a nine day trip across the country. He wanted to spend the long weekend with us. We said yes, but my mother and I suggest that my father first let Mac know my stance on debt would be a non-negocialbe.

In other words, he could be my friend but unless he changed his mind about debt there would never be anything more. He was still welcome to come for the weekend but we wanted him to be aware of our thoughts before he had committed to three days with us.

It was a hard decision for me, knowing that it could end a friendship I was just starting to take an interest in, but I knew I had to stand on my convictions and letting Mac know was the right choice.

Mac's response stunned me.

He got upset. He nearly demanded to talk to me instead of my dad. And then, with an abrupt excuse he hung up.

My dad talked to me about it and I said I would be okay with talking to Mac about his stance in person but I did not want to converse over either the phone or email at this point. My dad texted my response to Mac mid-day on Friday.

Mac has refused to answer.

My first reaction was anger. Anger that he tried to go around my dad to convince me of a contrary conviction. Anger that he would resort to this childish not-talking-to-you stance. Anger that he wasn't willing to work a little harder for something he had devoted so much time to.

Almost immediately the bitterness took over. Everything that reminded me of Mac was tainted because he himself now was.

And then the sorrow set in. I was sad that the friendship had been so abruptly ended but mostly, I was sad that he had been offended but what was really a kindness to him. It grieved me to know he was mad at both my father and I and there was nothing I could (or would) do about it.

Then, like a blanket, God allowed the numbness to drop over me.

I don't know how I feel. I don't know what I feel. I'm not sure I feel anything except dead inside.

Outside of this tent my depression is still whirling, occasionally seeping through to remind me it hasn't left yet but mostly, I just don't feel. 

I don't know what to feel.

What would God desire my response to be? At the beginning of this I had asked Him that no matter the outcome he would glorify Himself. I am still struggling to see how this result accomplishes that. And what lesson am I to take away? What do I need to learn from this? I guarded my heart, I stood on my convictions, I have spent hours with the Lord praying and reading His word. What am I to change? I am at a loss right now to know how He desires to grow me through this.

My biggest fear however is that I will be scarred. That this wound will not heal correctly but cause a hard spot in my heart that will forever incline me to wounding others. (Knowing a little backstory this is undoubtedly what had happened to Mac). As an INFJ I am already inclined towards the "door slam". But I do not want this. I want to grow stronger and not harder through this upset.

My second biggest fear is the knowledge that I will undoubtedly go through this again. At least once. I can think of no worse emotional hell for a young single girl.

But through it all, I trust that God knows what He is doing and that He is good. Perhaps, father along, I'll understand the why.