Adventures With Anxiety

It's Fall Y'all!

I had a panic attack last Friday.

It was the first one in a long time. Life has been stressful still but in a much less personal way than earlier this year.

My Adventure Buddy and I have been doing a Bible study for several months now. We just finished a book by MacArthur on 1, 2, 3 John and Jude. Today we started a new one called Devotions for Dating Couples (we joked about marking out the title and substituting "Adventuring" for "Dating"). The daily study and discussions have been amazing. We both love hearing points of view that we might not have considered otherwise and talking every night has helped (me) to deal with our relational issues before they compound.

Grandma is deteriorating faster and faster. She has begun getting agitated about small things and refusing to eat as a result. Her short term memory is almost non-existent and I do not think it will be long before we will have to be physically lifting her in and out of a chair. Though this saddens me and is, of course, a small amount of stress, it's not enough to cause a panic attack.

So why?



I was hanging out with my AB and he inadvertently did something that bothered me. It should have been a minor thing. I should have expressed my discomfort, he would have immediately apologized, and we would have moved on. End of story.

Instead, I froze up physically. He sensed something was wrong but I couldn't answer so he put his arms around me and apologized for whatever he had done. It was then that he realized I was hyperventilating and shaking violently. He knows I've had panic attacks in the past but head knowledge is different from seeing it in person. I know it scared him. He pulled me as close as he could and held me tightly whispering over and over "It's okay Arnica. I'm right here. You're safe. It's okay. I love you. It's okay."

I've never had an attack in front of someone before. It was weird. Every time I would start to calm down something would set me off again and we were back to ground zero.

And that was it. I've been fine ever since.

My Adventure Buddy asked me last night if I wanted to wait to get engaged so that I could focus on the care of Grandma. Or, if I would rather hurry up so that she can be at our wedding.

As of today, Grandma is registered with hospice. But that doesn't mean we're counting days. We honestly have no idea. When she got cancer for the third time everyone assumed that would be it. And guess what, she's lived years longer. So I told him not to wait, when he's ready, I'll be ready.

And I guess that is life. Letting the bad pass as gently as possible and moving on towards the good when able. Because just like a song, the low notes provide the listener with a deeper appreciation for the high notes.