Arnica Anonymous

I promise I am not always as negative as I seem on this blog. I do enjoy aspects of my life and I do find things that make me smile. But I tend to live in the moment when those come and not feel the need to comment on them to you. 2019 has kicked me hard. Repeatedly. I recently developed my second ovarian cyst in four months, I am still hovering at 100 pounds, and I am tired . Tired of feeling like at have to fight for everything. Tired of feeling that I can't do anything right. And like what I do accomplish, is never enough. But there is good. I know there is. The last two years I did a "Jar of Joys". It's a little jar I covered in yellow scrapbook paper and used to keep slips of paper on which I had scribbled down moments of joy. On New Year's Eve I opened the jar, dumped them out, and looked back on all the happiness I'd had in the past twelve months. I didn't do that this year. I still think my reasons were valid but I half wish I had taken...

Flowers from my Adventure Buddy 💛 Graduation was a wonderful day. Apart from the supposed one-size-fits-all cap constantly trying to slide off and my arms getting tangled in the half dozen tassels, cords, and stoles, I couldn't have imagined things going more smoothly. Because I went to a small college they were careful to personalize our ceremonies. Each student was required to write "Thank You's and Future Plans and Goals" a month before and these were read as we walked across the stage. It had taken me a long time to write mine. Partly because I had no exact plans and because there was not enough space to really thank those who deserved it. In the end, I scribbled something down and forgot about it until I was on stage and facing the crowd. "Arnica---Graduating with a Technical Certificate in Business. Suma Cum Laude, National Technical Honor Society, and Phi Theta Kappa. Arnica would like to thank her friends, family, and Adventure Buddies, for all...

There have been so many times when I really thought this day would never come. Now that it's here I have mixed feelings about it. I do not want to work in my degree. I did not enjoy school.  But... I have grown like the weeds in my garden--so much and so fast.

I was in my last semester of college with harder classes than ever before. I had a painful ovarian cyst. I was out of a job. I was in a wreck which totaled my car. I felt like I never had time alone since my Grandma moved in. My parents were frustrated with my guy for not responding to an email they sent. My guy thought they just wanted an argument and was avoiding making a reply. I couldn't make either understand. The scale stopped showing three digits. If I went more than 24 hours without crying I felt I had accomplished something. I was going crazy.

In a relationship, I always thought I would be the one to make it work. The one who fulfilled my duties, forgave unconditionally, and swallowed anything else that might go wrong. It never occurred to me that I might mess up. I might be the one who made a mistake that had to be forgiven. And that  I would have to accept this forgiveness.  All my life I have worked and paid for myself. If I wanted something, I put forth the effort to get the money, saved, and bought it. If I broke something of someone else's, I replaced it. A relationship is not like that. I cannot take back my harmful words or actions. Making up for them is not a possibility, the damage had already been caused. My only option? To say, "I'm so very sorry" and accept my man's forgiveness. I have found this nearly impossible. I keep apologizing. Keep trying to make it up to him because I need a way to alleviate my guilt. I push him away because he inadvertently reminds me of my fault. ...

I keep starting this post and then feeling overwhelmed at the thought of all that has occurred. So I put it off until a future time and...even more happens! 😄 I apologize for a lengthy post. We got my Grandma moved in with us. In many ways, it has been easier emotionally than we anticipated.  We all feel the loss of time and liberty but mostly, it's enjoyable to have her here. I survived my finals--fever and all. Quite frankly, by the time they occurred, I had more important things on my mind and was too exhausted to care about my scores. I walked out with a 3.93 GPA and am convincing myself that is acceptable. Started back for the spring semester last week. So far, so good! At the beginning of 2019, I quit my job at the community music education center. Last week, in the midst of filling out paperwork to accept a librarian position at school, I received a call informing me there had been a clerical error. I was not actually eligible for a work-study and should never hav...

Let's face it, October was a little bit of hell for me. Midterms, uncertainty about whether or not I could finish school next semester, preparing to move my Grandma in with us, campaigning for my dad's election, guy problems, car problems--you name it, it happened.