Arnica Anonymous

    I wish I was better at applying this quote to my life.   Marriage has been blissful. Our wedding went perfectly. We have removed the stress of living in two different locations as well as rules from my parents on where, what, and how, we spend time together. And are having fun living in our camper and playing house. Still, life has it's hiccups.   Our honeymoon started off with a blown tire and finished with me being miserably sick. These were minor annoyances.  I've also had off and on severe pain in my lower abdomen. This happened around this same time last year and I went to the Dr. for it but they never figured out what the cause was.  Again, in the light of our new relationship status these seem pretty minor things. We are so happy to finally be married and excited to do the rest of our life together. The ups and the downs. This past week however, I had a pretty severe down for me. It's a complicated situation. See, I work for the county library, p...

  This year has been impossible to describe. I know I'm not the only one who feels that way.  Apart from COVID-19 turning the world upside down it's brought some unexpected life events for me. When we moved Grandma in with us almost two years ago, we did it with the goal of providing her love and care until the moment she went to be with Jesus. We knew it would be difficult, and though specific elements might have surprised us, we always agreed together that we had signed up for this. Grandma Dear has advanced so far into Dementia that she spends her days either rambling, calling my Mom's name every 15 seconds, or, more frequently calling for "Mother" and "Daddy"--my parents. She also is completely enveloped by constant crippling fear to the point that it often took three of us to transfer her from her chair to the bedside commode and back again. All while she was bawling and begging "No, no, no!" It brought a rise of varied emotions.  Frustrat...

(I finally gave my Adventure Buddy a link to this blog. It’s such a separated part of my life I honestly didn’t think of it before. I felt very nervous knowing he could access it. But in just the first night he read half of it. And he says I should keep writing. Lucky you! 😉 ) I’ve been struggling lately with complete disinterest in anything spiritual. Or perhaps, not struggling since I haven’t really tried to improve my situation. More like apathy. When I told my AB this he asked “Why?” Truthfully, I don’t know. I could blame it on others. My church, my coworkers, quarantine. But I really don’t think I have a good excuse. I’ve just become lazy. Recently my Facebook feed has seemed to be full of divorcing couples. I hate this. How can someone the Bible says you become one with suddenly become something you want out of your life? It doesn’t make sense. Or it shouldn’t. These situations always make me wonder, what went wrong? Who messed up, and how? I know everyone make...

In every storm, fly high. So...I just kinda walked away from this blog didn't I? It's my place to vent, express the feelings that overwhelm me, and sometimes frighten others. Which makes it a sad, dark place. I don't always like to be reminded of that part of me. But, I also don't really want Arnica Anonymous to be that way. Oddly, when I chose the name and color scheme I did it because yellow is a happy color. This blog was intended to be an honest record of struggles, healing, and my ever upward journey towards Christ and true joy. But I think it's safe to acknowledge I've had an unusually rough time since about fall of 2018 and it's been more of a wild rollercoaster than a constant climb higher. I am trying to change that. I can't change my circumstances. I still have a difficult relationship balance with my parents and SO. I still struggle, perhaps more and more lately, with my Grandma's increasing slide into dementia. Those ...

This year has been extremely dark for me. Some of my worst fears have come to life and more often than not I have desired the coward's way out--death. When I am drowning in guilt and mistakes and struggled with the conviction that God is punishing me I have found comfort in Psalm 130. These words acknowledge both of those feelings but counters them with: if God was really going to punish us, no one would be left alive. Instead, we have forgiveness and hope in Him. Psalm 130 A song of ascents. 1  Out of the depths  I cry to you,   Lord ; 2       Lord, hear my voice. Let your ears be attentive      to my cry for mercy. 3  If you,  Lord , kept a record of sins,      Lord, who could stand? 4  But with you there is forgiveness,      so that we can, with reverence, serve you. 5  I wait for the  Lord ,  my whole being waits,    ...

Ever looked at someone's Instagram and thought, "Wow. If I were them life would be perfect?" I struggle with this a lot. That girl who regularly posts flawless pictures on Facebook, hair floating perfectly, makeup spotless, handsome guy staring at her adoringly. I want to be her. I see the pictures and think, if only I would be willing to get up earlier and do my hair. If I bought that expensive lipstick I saw in the store. If I didn't let myself wear t-shirts. If only my guy and I got along as perfectly as that. Facebook. Instagram. Pinterest. Those are the highest sources of discontent in my life.

I do have good days believe it or not. Things make me laugh, smile, and want to dance. This blog is more a place to express my thoughts rather than actions so you don't see my happy side much. So I thought, why not branch out and do something different today? I looked through my phone and found some pictures of my life to share. Hope you can relax and enjoy!   My Adventure Buddy and I both got off early and watched the sun set at my favorite spot before church one Wednesday evening. It was a wonderful memory maker. 

I feel like the title of this post is overreaching. What I am about to share will not magically fix every situation of overthinking, it won't even fix all of mine. But...it sounds good, does it not? ;) So I overthink. If you've been reading Arnica Anonymous for very long you probably already guessed that. I get on this circular train of thought when I'm anxious and can't seem to stop it or bailout. Too panicked. This picture PERFECTLY describes my life. Raise your hand if you have been here too. (I know you have.) I stumbled across an article today that discussed exactly what overthinking is. The author defined it as focusing on the problem continually and letting yourself be paralyzed by that perception. If all we are staring at is the problem, of course it's going to seem insurmountable! To my surprise, the article did not list a solution for this misplaced focus--which seems ironic to me. But we are smart people and can think for ourselves (when not p...

Tonight at supper we had been going cheerfully along when Grandma suddenly announced, "You know how I've been telling people how lovely a family you all are to take care of me? Well, I don't feel like that anymore." She continued, "I get stuck away in a corner at supper and no one talks to me. No one helps me do anything. I ought to just stomp off to my room and slam the door." It made me mad. Mom and I have both been very sick this week and despite that, we have cooked good dinners, given her a shower, and helped her to the bathroom, which was the new demand today. (Mostly Mom) I know she is not logical anymore. I know she is not herself. Some other gremlin has taken over her mind and my sweet, loving, servant-hearted Grandma is not the one talking. But it still makes me mad. My biggest fear when we first arranged to move her in with us was that I would come to resent her. I think that time may have come. Which also makes me mad at myself. ...

It's Fall Y'all! I had a panic attack last Friday. It was the first one in a long time. Life has been stressful still but in a much less personal way than earlier this year. My Adventure Buddy and I have been doing a Bible study for several months now. We just finished a book by MacArthur on 1, 2, 3 John and Jude. Today we started a new one called Devotions for Dating Couples (we joked about marking out the title and substituting "Adventuring" for "Dating"). The daily study and discussions have been amazing. We both love hearing points of view that we might not have considered otherwise and talking every night has helped (me) to deal with our relational issues before they compound. Grandma is deteriorating faster and faster. She has begun getting agitated about small things and refusing to eat as a result. Her short term memory is almost non-existent and I do not think it will be long before we will have to be physically lifting her in and out o...

I promise I am not always as negative as I seem on this blog. I do enjoy aspects of my life and I do find things that make me smile. But I tend to live in the moment when those come and not feel the need to comment on them to you. 2019 has kicked me hard. Repeatedly. I recently developed my second ovarian cyst in four months, I am still hovering at 100 pounds, and I am tired . Tired of feeling like at have to fight for everything. Tired of feeling that I can't do anything right. And like what I do accomplish, is never enough. But there is good. I know there is. The last two years I did a "Jar of Joys". It's a little jar I covered in yellow scrapbook paper and used to keep slips of paper on which I had scribbled down moments of joy. On New Year's Eve I opened the jar, dumped them out, and looked back on all the happiness I'd had in the past twelve months. I didn't do that this year. I still think my reasons were valid but I half wish I had taken...

Flowers from my Adventure Buddy 💛 Graduation was a wonderful day. Apart from the supposed one-size-fits-all cap constantly trying to slide off and my arms getting tangled in the half dozen tassels, cords, and stoles, I couldn't have imagined things going more smoothly. Because I went to a small college they were careful to personalize our ceremonies. Each student was required to write "Thank You's and Future Plans and Goals" a month before and these were read as we walked across the stage. It had taken me a long time to write mine. Partly because I had no exact plans and because there was not enough space to really thank those who deserved it. In the end, I scribbled something down and forgot about it until I was on stage and facing the crowd. "Arnica---Graduating with a Technical Certificate in Business. Suma Cum Laude, National Technical Honor Society, and Phi Theta Kappa. Arnica would like to thank her friends, family, and Adventure Buddies, for all...

There have been so many times when I really thought this day would never come. Now that it's here I have mixed feelings about it. I do not want to work in my degree. I did not enjoy school.  But... I have grown like the weeds in my garden--so much and so fast.

I was in my last semester of college with harder classes than ever before. I had a painful ovarian cyst. I was out of a job. I was in a wreck which totaled my car. I felt like I never had time alone since my Grandma moved in. My parents were frustrated with my guy for not responding to an email they sent. My guy thought they just wanted an argument and was avoiding making a reply. I couldn't make either understand. The scale stopped showing three digits. If I went more than 24 hours without crying I felt I had accomplished something. I was going crazy.

In a relationship, I always thought I would be the one to make it work. The one who fulfilled my duties, forgave unconditionally, and swallowed anything else that might go wrong. It never occurred to me that I might mess up. I might be the one who made a mistake that had to be forgiven. And that  I would have to accept this forgiveness.  All my life I have worked and paid for myself. If I wanted something, I put forth the effort to get the money, saved, and bought it. If I broke something of someone else's, I replaced it. A relationship is not like that. I cannot take back my harmful words or actions. Making up for them is not a possibility, the damage had already been caused. My only option? To say, "I'm so very sorry" and accept my man's forgiveness. I have found this nearly impossible. I keep apologizing. Keep trying to make it up to him because I need a way to alleviate my guilt. I push him away because he inadvertently reminds me of my fault. ...

I keep starting this post and then feeling overwhelmed at the thought of all that has occurred. So I put it off until a future time and...even more happens! 😄 I apologize for a lengthy post. We got my Grandma moved in with us. In many ways, it has been easier emotionally than we anticipated.  We all feel the loss of time and liberty but mostly, it's enjoyable to have her here. I survived my finals--fever and all. Quite frankly, by the time they occurred, I had more important things on my mind and was too exhausted to care about my scores. I walked out with a 3.93 GPA and am convincing myself that is acceptable. Started back for the spring semester last week. So far, so good! At the beginning of 2019, I quit my job at the community music education center. Last week, in the midst of filling out paperwork to accept a librarian position at school, I received a call informing me there had been a clerical error. I was not actually eligible for a work-study and should never hav...

Let's face it, October was a little bit of hell for me. Midterms, uncertainty about whether or not I could finish school next semester, preparing to move my Grandma in with us, campaigning for my dad's election, guy problems, car problems--you name it, it happened.

My plans, I had them laid out. All nice and clear and straight. In bold clean ink, I wrote them. But then, along came fate. They were tumbled, crashed, knocked over, Bruising deeply as they fell. Each way I turned now blocked me in, They’d formed a living hell. I tried to rearrange them, Rebuild my shattered dreams, But they cut my hands, tore my arms, And muffled all my screams. Broken down and fainting, I knew I had no hope. Till somewhere up above me, There simply dropped a rope. Desperate for my freedom, I grabbed at it to flee, The rope, it wasn’t strong enough. It broke and I fell free. The darkness it encompassed me. Complete, and black, and thick. I bowed my head and gave up. My heart soon slowed its tick. I know You have a purpose, Designed a perfect plan, But sometimes I can’t see it, Since I am just a man. I feel so often shattered, Helpless to fix my life, Surrounded by my upset goals, A path ...

It would surprise most people (including those I live with) to know how often I struggle with depression. It's something I have always felt guilty for because nothing in my life is really that bad. And doesn't God say that He should be our joy and we should find contentment in Him? Therefore if I have chronic blues, aren't I doing something wrong? So I laugh at life when I can and keep my sadness to myself. Regardless of the answer to my questions, the fact remains, feeling joyful does not come naturally to me. I have to go after joy with a pickax. One thing I have started doing recently is "Listing the Positives". A hike in perfect weather this afternoon The multi-colored leaves of Autumn The specialized calculator that was given to me so I no longer have to get to school and use theirs an for an hour before my 8 am class The package of GF Oreos my darling mother gave me My violin -- always and forever listed as a positive A freshly renewed friends...

  Enough How did I get here again? Why do You feel so silent? I know You're supposed to be my joy, But right now nothing feels like it's enough. I am exhausted Feeling lost Worn out and alone Aware of every failing When will I be okay again? Is there any peace to have? 'Cause right now there is a waterfall Trying to pour from my eyes, And nothing feels like it's enough. Your child is exhausted Feeling lost  Worn out and alone So aware of every failing Will I ever be okay again? Why do You have holes in Your hands? You sweat drops of blood While Your friends slept. And I feel like that's not enough. When I am exhausted Feeling lost  Worn out and alone Aware of every failing Begging to become okay again, You remind me: Why would I go forty days without food? Feel My Father turn His back? Let My friend betray me, If I wasn't going to be enough? When you are exhausted Feeling ...