In Which I Fail as a Mentor

When I started volunteering at the local crisis pregnancy center in April of this year my plan was to do all their behind the scenes work. Counting money, cleaning, making copies, etc. I was good with but nothing directly involving the clients. I knew dealing with them would drive me nuts.

And then a child, pregnant with a middle aged man's baby, walked in the door and looked me in the eyes.



She was beautiful and smiling shyly at me. I smiled back and drew her attention to our receptionist. Though I didn't know the above information about her at the time she caught my interest and I asked for her story when she had left. I was sadden, and for the rest of the week couldn't get her out of my mind.

The next week I watched for her.

She didn't come.

But others did. I looked in their eyes and saw guilt, lack of self-esteem, and often times a complete carelessness of their own lives because no one had ever taught them they were worth something to their Creator. My heart was touched.

A few weeks later the mentor I spent the most time with approached me.

"Arnica, have you ever considered counseling here?"

I sat back on my heels so I could more easily look up at her while I sorted some clothing donations on the floor of our new clinic.

"You know," I tipped my head to one side, "I had been thinking recently that I might like to shadow you and see what exactly you do."

Some clients were sullen, greedy, entitled, and yet I was able to sit quietly by as their mentor talked and watch their body language. It begged for affection, for someone to care, for truth. To my complete astonishment I began to care despite their--well--their anything often times. The Lord enabled me to see them for what they really were: His lost and abused children and despite their sagging clothing or stinking skin the potential of a beautiful soul was not buried too deeply.

God changed my heart and I was suddenly filled with a desire to help them.

I began train as a "Mentor".

{A brief description of what this means: in the clinic I am a part of they have a program which allows the girls to earn "Mommy Bucks" (basically Monopoly money :) ) which they can then spend in our "thrift store". They earn these dollars by going through an individualized (per the mentor's discretion) curriculum which teaches them how to be a better parent. Their counselor/teacher is called a "Mentor"...if you hadn't picked that up already. ;) }

But as I began to see clients myself my natural shyness came out. I stumbled over words. I was unable to get them to talk to me. I stressed too much about offending them. And the fact that not only had I never been married but I had also never had children made me feel unqualified. (slightly off topic: I am the only single mentor/advocate in the whole clinic and one of two who does not have children--I am also the youngest!) Worst of all the moment I walked out of the counseling room I forgot what they had just told me and starred blankly at the form I was supposed to fill out summarizing our time.

And in the midst of this bumbling of mine a guy was teaching at my church and made the comment that try as we might, we cannot help those who will not help themselves. No doubt he went on to complete this thought with a good theological point but I was so stunned I missed it.

If I was truly incapable of helping anyone, then what was the point of me mentoring these girls?

I knew there had to be an answer but I couldn't find it.

It came to me slowly as I re-read By Searching. Isobel Kuhn spends nearly half of every chapter talking about the Lord's amazing answers to her prayers. One of the most miraculous is a woman she knew who became mentally unstable and eventually went to an insane asylum. Isobel went and visited her there and witnessed her complete loss of humanity. She went home however and shared with her mutual friends only that  they needed to pray for this woman. They devoted themselves fervently and over time she re-entered the normal world, married, and had children.

There!  I thought. This is my answer. If the Lord can physically change the mind of a deranged person He can help the women I work with!

I finally understood that what the man at church had said was true--

I could not help anyone no matter how much I tried. The Lord however could. 

This Tuesday night (I go to the clinic early Wednesday morning) I fell to my knees and confessed to the Lord that I was more likely to be a hindrance to these women's progress than I would be a help. So, I asked Him to not let them see me. I begged instead to become a ray of light that made them look up to Him. If I sounded like a fool then so be it, as long as He was glorified in their eyes. I prayed for confidence and courage to speak His truth in love. And I prayed for a mind to remember their details so that my reports would be more than a sentence long. :)

Today the director of the clinic and my supervising mentor cleared me to see clients entirely on my own.

Only I won't be on my own at all will I? In fact, I hope the clients hardly realize I am even in the room because the presence of the other One is so prevailing.