Tuesday, November 20, 2018

Magic in November

Let's face it, October was a little bit of hell for me.

Midterms, uncertainty about whether or not I could finish school next semester, preparing to move my Grandma in with us, campaigning for my dad's election, guy problems, car problems--you name it, it happened.

Saturday, November 3, 2018

The Plan -- Yet Another Bit of Poetry

My plans, I had them laid out.
All nice and clear and straight.
In bold clean ink, I wrote them.
But then, along came fate.

They were tumbled, crashed, knocked over,
Bruising deeply as they fell.
Each way I turned now blocked me in,
They’d formed a living hell.

I tried to rearrange them,
Rebuild my shattered dreams,
But they cut my hands, tore my arms,
And muffled all my screams.

Broken down and fainting,
I knew I had no hope.
Till somewhere up above me,
There simply dropped a rope.

Desperate for my freedom,
I grabbed at it to flee,
The rope, it wasn’t strong enough.
It broke and I fell free.

The darkness it encompassed me.
Complete, and black, and thick.
I bowed my head and gave up.
My heart soon slowed its tick.

I know You have a purpose,
Designed a perfect plan,
But sometimes I can’t see it,
Since I am just a man.

I feel so often shattered,
Helpless to fix my life,
Surrounded by my upset goals,
A path that’s full of strife.

It takes a lot of courage,
To just hold on to trust,
But someday I know I’ll look back,
And see that You’ve been just.

Please, Father, give me faith,
To walk when I am blind,
To remember that You are always there,
When despair is on my mind.

I do not know what the future holds, but I know who holds my future. ~ Lee Strobel

Saturday, October 27, 2018

Listing the Positives

It would surprise most people (including those I live with) to know how often I struggle with depression. It's something I have always felt guilty for because nothing in my life is really that bad. And doesn't God say that He should be our joy and we should find contentment in Him? Therefore if I have chronic blues, aren't I doing something wrong? So I laugh at life when I can and keep my sadness to myself.

Regardless of the answer to my questions, the fact remains, feeling joyful does not come naturally to me. I have to go after joy with a pickax.

One thing I have started doing recently is "Listing the Positives".
  • A hike in perfect weather this afternoon
  • The multi-colored leaves of Autumn
  • The specialized calculator that was given to me so I no longer have to get to school and use theirs an for an hour before my 8 am class
  • The package of GF Oreos my darling mother gave me
  • My violin -- always and forever listed as a positive
  • A freshly renewed friendship
  • My hair finally getting long again after being chin length almost two years ago
  • A freshly acquired Tenth Avenue North CD to listen to on my long drives to and from school 

How can I come up with all those and still feel discouraged? It's a perspective changer for sure.

Thursday, October 25, 2018

Enough -- A Poem of Sorts


How did I get here again?
Why do You feel so silent?
I know You're supposed to be my joy,
But right now nothing feels like it's enough.

I am exhausted
Feeling lost
Worn out and alone
Aware of every failing
When will I be okay again?

Is there any peace to have?
'Cause right now there is a waterfall
Trying to pour from my eyes,
And nothing feels like it's enough.

Your child is exhausted
Feeling lost 
Worn out and alone
So aware of every failing
Will I ever be okay again?

Why do You have holes in Your hands?
You sweat drops of blood
While Your friends slept.
And I feel like that's not enough.

When I am exhausted
Feeling lost 
Worn out and alone
Aware of every failing
Begging to become okay again,

You remind me:

Why would I go forty days without food?
Feel My Father turn His back?
Let My friend betray me,
If I wasn't going to be enough?

When you are exhausted
Feeling lost
Worn out and alone,
Do you think I endured all that,
To abandon you?

Peace child.
I have recorded every wavering step.
Gathered your bitter tears.
And I will always be by your side,
To give you a future and a hope.

Saturday, October 20, 2018

Sometimes I just can't seem to get ahead in life...

Related image

Sometimes I just can't seem to get ahead in life. But then I wonder, is this the way it is for everyone? Maybe I am just a drama queen. Perhaps I make things seem like a bigger deal than they really are? Is God trying to teach me to trust Him more and I am just throwing up my hands and calling it too much?

Last week I had yet another guy approach me professing feelings and hoping to consider the possibility of a relationship. 

I was entirely blindsided by this development.

Thursday, September 27, 2018

Seven Down, Nine To Go

Chattanooga, TN

Almost seven weeks into school and I have only thrown up once, fainted twice, and lost 10 pounds.

No joke.

I don't handle stress well.

Saturday, July 7, 2018

Fireworks, Directing a Band, and Gomer

I really love fireworks, even if the dust/fog they create makes me cough.

The anticipation as a yellow comet squeals into the air, then it hangs for a tiny moment, silent and still before blossoming with a loud boom into an explosion outward of one color, often followed by a downward shower of another. Once the streaks of light have dissipated, the sky is left with charcoal scars and I find my mouth hanging slightly open in awe.  And I have the joy of knowing I will see it all over again just as amazing only a little different when the next firework is set off.

Over and over again.

Boom. Boom. Boom.

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