Wednesday, January 23, 2019

Grandma, School, Work, and Intentionally Adventuring

I keep starting this post and then feeling overwhelmed at the thought of all that has occurred. So I put it off until a future time and...even more happens! 😄 I apologize for a lengthy post.

We got my Grandma moved in with us. In many ways, it has been easier emotionally than we anticipated.  We all feel the loss of time and liberty but mostly, it's enjoyable to have her here.

I survived my finals--fever and all. Quite frankly, by the time they occurred, I had more important things on my mind and was too exhausted to care about my scores. I walked out with a 3.93 GPA and am convincing myself that is acceptable. Started back for the spring semester last week. So far, so good!

At the beginning of 2019, I quit my job at the community music education center. Last week, in the midst of filling out paperwork to accept a librarian position at school, I received a call informing me there had been a clerical error. I was not actually eligible for a work-study and should never have been offered the job. So  I am back to the idea of cleaning houses for income until this semester ends.

I have now taken care of 3/4 of the title of this post. So what on earth does "Intentionally Adventuring" mean?

Well, that's where things get interesting. And long.

Tuesday, November 20, 2018

Magic in November

Let's face it, October was a little bit of hell for me.

Midterms, uncertainty about whether or not I could finish school next semester, preparing to move my Grandma in with us, campaigning for my dad's election, guy problems, car problems--you name it, it happened.

Saturday, November 3, 2018

The Plan -- Yet Another Bit of Poetry

My plans, I had them laid out.
All nice and clear and straight.
In bold clean ink, I wrote them.
But then, along came fate.

They were tumbled, crashed, knocked over,
Bruising deeply as they fell.
Each way I turned now blocked me in,
They’d formed a living hell.

I tried to rearrange them,
Rebuild my shattered dreams,
But they cut my hands, tore my arms,
And muffled all my screams.

Broken down and fainting,
I knew I had no hope.
Till somewhere up above me,
There simply dropped a rope.

Desperate for my freedom,
I grabbed at it to flee,
The rope, it wasn’t strong enough.
It broke and I fell free.

The darkness it encompassed me.
Complete, and black, and thick.
I bowed my head and gave up.
My heart soon slowed its tick.

I know You have a purpose,
Designed a perfect plan,
But sometimes I can’t see it,
Since I am just a man.

I feel so often shattered,
Helpless to fix my life,
Surrounded by my upset goals,
A path that’s full of strife.

It takes a lot of courage,
To just hold on to trust,
But someday I know I’ll look back,
And see that You’ve been just.

Please, Father, give me faith,
To walk when I am blind,
To remember that You are always there,
When despair is on my mind.

I do not know what the future holds, but I know who holds my future. ~ Lee Strobel

Saturday, October 27, 2018

Listing the Positives

It would surprise most people (including those I live with) to know how often I struggle with depression. It's something I have always felt guilty for because nothing in my life is really that bad. And doesn't God say that He should be our joy and we should find contentment in Him? Therefore if I have chronic blues, aren't I doing something wrong? So I laugh at life when I can and keep my sadness to myself.

Regardless of the answer to my questions, the fact remains, feeling joyful does not come naturally to me. I have to go after joy with a pickax.

One thing I have started doing recently is "Listing the Positives".
  • A hike in perfect weather this afternoon
  • The multi-colored leaves of Autumn
  • The specialized calculator that was given to me so I no longer have to get to school and use theirs an for an hour before my 8 am class
  • The package of GF Oreos my darling mother gave me
  • My violin -- always and forever listed as a positive
  • A freshly renewed friendship
  • My hair finally getting long again after being chin length almost two years ago
  • A freshly acquired Tenth Avenue North CD to listen to on my long drives to and from school 

How can I come up with all those and still feel discouraged? It's a perspective changer for sure.

Thursday, October 25, 2018

Enough -- A Poem of Sorts


How did I get here again?
Why do You feel so silent?
I know You're supposed to be my joy,
But right now nothing feels like it's enough.

I am exhausted
Feeling lost
Worn out and alone
Aware of every failing
When will I be okay again?

Is there any peace to have?
'Cause right now there is a waterfall
Trying to pour from my eyes,
And nothing feels like it's enough.

Your child is exhausted
Feeling lost 
Worn out and alone
So aware of every failing
Will I ever be okay again?

Why do You have holes in Your hands?
You sweat drops of blood
While Your friends slept.
And I feel like that's not enough.

When I am exhausted
Feeling lost 
Worn out and alone
Aware of every failing
Begging to become okay again,

You remind me:

Why would I go forty days without food?
Feel My Father turn His back?
Let My friend betray me,
If I wasn't going to be enough?

When you are exhausted
Feeling lost
Worn out and alone,
Do you think I endured all that,
To abandon you?

Peace child.
I have recorded every wavering step.
Gathered your bitter tears.
And I will always be by your side,
To give you a future and a hope.

Saturday, October 20, 2018

Sometimes I just can't seem to get ahead in life...

Related image

Sometimes I just can't seem to get ahead in life. But then I wonder, is this the way it is for everyone? Maybe I am just a drama queen. Perhaps I make things seem like a bigger deal than they really are? Is God trying to teach me to trust Him more and I am just throwing up my hands and calling it too much?

Last week I had yet another guy approach me professing feelings and hoping to consider the possibility of a relationship. 

I was entirely blindsided by this development.

Thursday, September 27, 2018

Seven Down, Nine To Go

Chattanooga, TN

Almost seven weeks into school and I have only thrown up once, fainted twice, and lost 10 pounds.

No joke.

I don't handle stress well.

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