Monday, June 26, 2017

The Lesson I Was Missing

My most recent watercolor--a phoenix!

I've always liked the idea of the mythical phoenix--a bird that ends it's life in a crash of flames and then rises from it's ashes a new creature. I like to think of it  as a picture of myself. I burn up, crash, and turn to blackened ash, but thanks to the Lord I rise again with strength renewed.

Monday, June 12, 2017

Life Is Straightforward//The Rest of the Story

When I was younger I saw that life was simple and straightforward. I knew the right things to do and I knew that if I did them, my life would be pleasant. But that is not always the way God chooses to teach me lessons. Sometimes,  I need to have my life not follow perfect patterns so that I have to lean on Jesus more.

That is the story of Mac.

Monday, May 29, 2017

Perhpas, Father Along, I'll Understand Why

When I was thirteen my head conquered my heart long enough for me to pray a prayer--

"Lord, if I am to get married then I beg that you would only ever have one guy, the right one, be interested in me."

God has seen fit to not answer that prayer with a "yes".

Friday, May 26, 2017

My Safety Line in Depression

I've mentioned in my most recent posts that I struggle with depression. This problem is not unique to me but I do fight with it more than your average Christian young woman.

It all started when I was thirteen. An acquaintance came to visit our family for a week and become a good friend. When he left it suddenly occurred to me that he would never be coming back. We would never see him again. We would never laugh with him again. We would never have the chance to tease him again. (He actually left with plans to return soon but my premonition turned out correct--we never saw him again). At these thoughts my world tilted. I began noticing just how many friends dropped out of my life, older relatives died, etc. and over and over a question came to mind, "Is God really good?"

There is not a more terrifying thing to doubt.

Tuesday, May 23, 2017

My Dreams

I open my palms,
Feel the pain pour out,
Drip down my fingers,
I'm drenched in doubt.

I have thrown my energy,
Into begging for what I want,
Not what you will.

I tell myself it's okay,
That God commands us, request.
But what I am ignoring,
Is that's only true when it's His best.

I reach out my hands,
Grasping at my dreams,
As they slip past.

I bow my head,
Knowing they must go.
But my rebellious heart,
Wishes it were not so.

They were what I lived for,
They provided my hope,
In them I saw my future.

I lift my face,
Frustration soaking my lashes,
I know they're not right,
But still I beg they'll rise from their ashes.

My gaze needs turned,
My eyes need refocused,
There is One who can help.

His dreams,
His plans:
He promises me a hope,
And a future.
For my good,
And not my harm.

My knees are week with sorrow,
I can no longer stand.
Buckling I bow,
But raise an imploring hand.

My hands at last close,
Around the only thing that is steady.
His promises support me,
With them I am ready.

Dashing away tears,
I grasp the truths in his word,
They open my torn wings,
Once again I am a bird.

My compass recalibrates,
 I know my north,
And I must fly towards Jesus,
Leaving my desires behind.


Thursday, May 11, 2017

Searching for Color

I finally finished it!

I have run myself into the ground. 

Nights of sleeplessness until midnight and then waking up with the birds at 5:30 am.

Days full of running from one thing to another with no consistency from day to day.

The seeming inability to eat enough calories to keep myself feeling well.

The emotional roller coaster of having two people seriously interested in me at once.

The lack of contact with my good friends who are all busy taking finals.

Knowing my grandma has terminal cancer.

Seeing my mother struggle to grieve for my grandma.

Planning a much needed vacation with my sister.

Working two tense elections as a poll worker.

There is just so much to feel hopeless about.

I struggle to find color and beauty in the life I am living because it all seems so buried by pain and conflict. 

I watch dear childhood friends embracing gays as brothers and sister in Christ.

Hear of other friends with serious health issues. 

Watch an Uncle die while refusing to trust the Lord.

So often I forget that a painting would never be beautiful without the dark colors to provide contrast with the bright ones.

Never regret a day in your life:
Good days give happiness, bad days give experience,
Worst days give lessons, and best days give memories.
(I did not come up with this quote but I also cannot find who did)  

Wednesday, April 26, 2017

I'm Still Busy...and very bored!

My first two water coloring attempts. I still have not finished the painting I shared in my last post.

More than anyone else I know I struggle with boredom. This is not because I have nothing to do. In fact, the busier and more stressed I am the more bored I find myself. I simply require frequent change in my life to keep me interested. (This seems to be a rare characteristic for an INFJ)