Looking back through my posts I am disappointed, but not especially surprised, to see how "me" focused they are. "Here is what I have done wrong." "Here is what the Lord is teaching me." etc., etc.
They are not necessarily me talking about what an awesome person I am but they are still selfish. Focused on my works and not Christ's.
I can be a perfectionist and in my spiritual life this boils down to unending efforts to be a good enough person that God won't regret saving me. Terrible theology, I know. (Update: ran across this thundering verse of love and grace immediately after writing this post-- “I, I am he who blots out your transgressions for my own sake, and I will not remember your sins." Isaiah 43:25 -- my sins were blotted out not for my sake, but the Lord's.)
So how to end this cycle of navel gazing?
Stop talking, thinking, and focusing on myself. I need to stop working so hard to better myself and instead, follow the Lord. Focus on Him. His amazing works. His grace. His compassion. Not so much my lack of these qualities (though I do think there is a very important place for conviction! don't get me wrong!) as much as His possession of them. Do I spend as much time thanking Him for being perfect as I do asking to be made perfect? God is teaching me that there much be a balance. I can't fix myself by looking only at my faults. I need to stare in wonder at His perfection and let Him work on fixing me.
I feel like a hiker, so afraid of tripping that all they can do is stare at their feet. I would be much better off to lift my head, listen to my Guide, and keep my eyes focused upwards, toward the top of the mountain.
Meh...that all sounds very mushy and confusing but I hope you can understand.
"But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus."