I do enjoy aspects of my life and I do find things that make me smile. But I tend to live in the moment when those come and not feel the need to comment on them to you.
2019 has kicked me hard. Repeatedly. I recently developed my second ovarian cyst in four months, I am still hovering at 100 pounds, and I am tired. Tired of feeling like at have to fight for everything. Tired of feeling that I can't do anything right. And like what I do accomplish, is never enough.
But there is good. I know there is.
The last two years I did a "Jar of Joys". It's a little jar I covered in yellow scrapbook paper and used to keep slips of paper on which I had scribbled down moments of joy. On New Year's Eve I opened the jar, dumped them out, and looked back on all the happiness I'd had in the past twelve months.
I didn't do that this year.
I still think my reasons were valid but I half wish I had taken the risk and been more mindful of my joys. Because I think that is what joy is. Not happenstance--happiness (yes the words are related) but a choice. An attitude of choosing to rejoice in the Lord always even when my circumstances feel overwhelming. There is the stereotypical Sunday School definition.
Overused though it may be, I do like it.
Choosing to honor God first, is not natural, it's something I have to do intentionally. Thinking of others before myself goes against the grain. I have to be purposeful. And putting myself last...well... that often feels impossible.
I feel like I talk about prayer almost as much as I complain. But I truly cannot think of a more important aspect of my relationship with Christ (though I think it could be argued it is on level with reading God's Word). To me, prayer is the spiritual version of breathing. You cannot have life without it. And it should be something we do in every moment of our days.
So my goal for the rest of 2019 is not to stuff the unhappiness.
It is to choose joy.
When it is difficult to find, talk to the Lord about it. When I do find it, share it with Him. Consider Him first in every aspect of my life. And rejoice in His goodness!