Arnica Anonymous

It would surprise most people (including those I live with) to know how often I struggle with depression. It's something I have always felt guilty for because nothing in my life is really that bad. And doesn't God say that He should be our joy and we should find contentment in Him? Therefore if I have chronic blues, aren't I doing something wrong? So I laugh at life when I can and keep my sadness to myself. Regardless of the answer to my questions, the fact remains, feeling joyful does not come naturally to me. I have to go after joy with a pickax. One thing I have started doing recently is "Listing the Positives". A hike in perfect weather this afternoon The multi-colored leaves of Autumn The specialized calculator that was given to me so I no longer have to get to school and use theirs an for an hour before my 8 am class The package of GF Oreos my darling mother gave me My violin -- always and forever listed as a positive A freshly renewed friends

  Enough How did I get here again? Why do You feel so silent? I know You're supposed to be my joy, But right now nothing feels like it's enough. I am exhausted Feeling lost Worn out and alone Aware of every failing When will I be okay again? Is there any peace to have? 'Cause right now there is a waterfall Trying to pour from my eyes, And nothing feels like it's enough. Your child is exhausted Feeling lost  Worn out and alone So aware of every failing Will I ever be okay again? Why do You have holes in Your hands? You sweat drops of blood While Your friends slept. And I feel like that's not enough. When I am exhausted Feeling lost  Worn out and alone Aware of every failing Begging to become okay again, You remind me: Why would I go forty days without food? Feel My Father turn His back? Let My friend betray me, If I wasn't going to be enough? When you are exhausted Feeling

Sometimes I just can't seem to get ahead in life. But then I wonder, is this the way it is for everyone? Maybe I am just a drama queen. Perhaps I make things seem like a bigger deal than they really are? Is God trying to teach me to trust Him more and I am just throwing up my hands and calling it too much? Last week I had yet another guy approach me professing feelings and hoping to consider the possibility of a relationship.  I was entirely blindsided by this development.