Arnica Anonymous

  This year has been impossible to describe. I know I'm not the only one who feels that way.  Apart from COVID-19 turning the world upside down it's brought some unexpected life events for me. When we moved Grandma in with us almost two years ago, we did it with the goal of providing her love and care until the moment she went to be with Jesus. We knew it would be difficult, and though specific elements might have surprised us, we always agreed together that we had signed up for this. Grandma Dear has advanced so far into Dementia that she spends her days either rambling, calling my Mom's name every 15 seconds, or, more frequently calling for "Mother" and "Daddy"--my parents. She also is completely enveloped by constant crippling fear to the point that it often took three of us to transfer her from her chair to the bedside commode and back again. All while she was bawling and begging "No, no, no!" It brought a rise of varied emotions.  Frustrat...

Ever looked at someone's Instagram and thought, "Wow. If I were them life would be perfect?" I struggle with this a lot. That girl who regularly posts flawless pictures on Facebook, hair floating perfectly, makeup spotless, handsome guy staring at her adoringly. I want to be her. I see the pictures and think, if only I would be willing to get up earlier and do my hair. If I bought that expensive lipstick I saw in the store. If I didn't let myself wear t-shirts. If only my guy and I got along as perfectly as that. Facebook. Instagram. Pinterest. Those are the highest sources of discontent in my life.

It's Fall Y'all! I had a panic attack last Friday. It was the first one in a long time. Life has been stressful still but in a much less personal way than earlier this year. My Adventure Buddy and I have been doing a Bible study for several months now. We just finished a book by MacArthur on 1, 2, 3 John and Jude. Today we started a new one called Devotions for Dating Couples (we joked about marking out the title and substituting "Adventuring" for "Dating"). The daily study and discussions have been amazing. We both love hearing points of view that we might not have considered otherwise and talking every night has helped (me) to deal with our relational issues before they compound. Grandma is deteriorating faster and faster. She has begun getting agitated about small things and refusing to eat as a result. Her short term memory is almost non-existent and I do not think it will be long before we will have to be physically lifting her in and out o...

Flowers from my Adventure Buddy 💛 Graduation was a wonderful day. Apart from the supposed one-size-fits-all cap constantly trying to slide off and my arms getting tangled in the half dozen tassels, cords, and stoles, I couldn't have imagined things going more smoothly. Because I went to a small college they were careful to personalize our ceremonies. Each student was required to write "Thank You's and Future Plans and Goals" a month before and these were read as we walked across the stage. It had taken me a long time to write mine. Partly because I had no exact plans and because there was not enough space to really thank those who deserved it. In the end, I scribbled something down and forgot about it until I was on stage and facing the crowd. "Arnica---Graduating with a Technical Certificate in Business. Suma Cum Laude, National Technical Honor Society, and Phi Theta Kappa. Arnica would like to thank her friends, family, and Adventure Buddies, for all...

I was in my last semester of college with harder classes than ever before. I had a painful ovarian cyst. I was out of a job. I was in a wreck which totaled my car. I felt like I never had time alone since my Grandma moved in. My parents were frustrated with my guy for not responding to an email they sent. My guy thought they just wanted an argument and was avoiding making a reply. I couldn't make either understand. The scale stopped showing three digits. If I went more than 24 hours without crying I felt I had accomplished something. I was going crazy.

In a relationship, I always thought I would be the one to make it work. The one who fulfilled my duties, forgave unconditionally, and swallowed anything else that might go wrong. It never occurred to me that I might mess up. I might be the one who made a mistake that had to be forgiven. And that  I would have to accept this forgiveness.  All my life I have worked and paid for myself. If I wanted something, I put forth the effort to get the money, saved, and bought it. If I broke something of someone else's, I replaced it. A relationship is not like that. I cannot take back my harmful words or actions. Making up for them is not a possibility, the damage had already been caused. My only option? To say, "I'm so very sorry" and accept my man's forgiveness. I have found this nearly impossible. I keep apologizing. Keep trying to make it up to him because I need a way to alleviate my guilt. I push him away because he inadvertently reminds me of my fault. ...

I keep starting this post and then feeling overwhelmed at the thought of all that has occurred. So I put it off until a future time and...even more happens! 😄 I apologize for a lengthy post. We got my Grandma moved in with us. In many ways, it has been easier emotionally than we anticipated.  We all feel the loss of time and liberty but mostly, it's enjoyable to have her here. I survived my finals--fever and all. Quite frankly, by the time they occurred, I had more important things on my mind and was too exhausted to care about my scores. I walked out with a 3.93 GPA and am convincing myself that is acceptable. Started back for the spring semester last week. So far, so good! At the beginning of 2019, I quit my job at the community music education center. Last week, in the midst of filling out paperwork to accept a librarian position at school, I received a call informing me there had been a clerical error. I was not actually eligible for a work-study and should never hav...

Sometimes I just can't seem to get ahead in life. But then I wonder, is this the way it is for everyone? Maybe I am just a drama queen. Perhaps I make things seem like a bigger deal than they really are? Is God trying to teach me to trust Him more and I am just throwing up my hands and calling it too much? Last week I had yet another guy approach me professing feelings and hoping to consider the possibility of a relationship.  I was entirely blindsided by this development.

Chattanooga, TN Almost seven weeks into school and I have only thrown up once, fainted twice, and lost 10 pounds. No joke. I don't handle stress well.

Some of you who have been around for a while may have read my post last year on why I didn't want to get married. You may have also read some of the raw things I said after someone was interested in marrying me and things didn't work out. (You can read the first post here . And the sequel here .) I admit, I am a confusing person with conflicting opinions so please bear with me as I try to explain how and why my has heart changed in twelve months.

A random house I fell in love with on a vacation years ago. It hadn't occurred to me just what a drag the decision to move or not was making on me until my co-workers at the crisis pregnancy center commented on it. They had no idea I was considering anything but several of them kindly suggested that I seemed down.

Most of you are probably familiar with the 5 Love Languages, yes? Though I prefer general personality tests I enjoy analyzing friends and family from every angle and recently have been considering the angle of showing and receiving love. In my experience the vast majority of people have Quality Time as one of their top two love languages. I on the other hand, favor Gifts and Words of Affirmation. In fact, Quality Time is close to the bottom of my list. However it has come to my attention that I can shower my friends and family with all of the presents and kind words I can imagine and still not be loving as I should. Sometimes, love requires a lot more sacrifice from me because it involves doing something I don't enjoy. Like hanging out in my sister's 90 degree trailer (she apparently doesn't believe in AC) and listening to her tell the same five stories over and over for an entire three day weekend. Or simply sitting still and talking for several hours with a f...

I nearly had a panic attack this morning. This has not been an easy year for me and the thing that calmed me the most is gone. My "little girl" died a few months ago. After having had her fury coat to cuddle and wagging tail to welcome me home for nine years her passing has left a big hole. Last week my boss told me that they can not afford me right now. Since I work at a non-profit a swinging and somewhat sporadic schedule was part of what I signed on for but she was warning of potentially a month of no work. I am pretty careful about spending money and I have savings but I have not quite gotten back to the spot I was before I bought my car in January and the thought potentially four weeks with no paycheck was unnerving.

When I was younger I saw that life was simple and straightforward. I knew the right things to do and I knew that if I did them, my life would be pleasant. But that is not always the way God chooses to teach me lessons. Sometimes,  I need to have my life not follow perfect patterns so that I have to lean on Jesus more. That is the story of Mac.

When I was thirteen my head conquered my heart long enough for me to pray a prayer-- "Lord, if I am to get married then I beg that you would only ever have one guy, the right one, be interested in me." God has seen fit to not answer that prayer with a "yes".

I finally finished it! I have run myself into the ground.  Nights of sleeplessness until midnight and then waking up with the birds at 5:30 am. Days full of running from one thing to another with no consistency from day to day. The seeming inability to eat enough calories to keep myself feeling well. The emotional roller coaster of having two people seriously interested in me at once. The lack of contact with my good friends who are all busy taking finals. Knowing my grandma has terminal cancer. Seeing my mother struggle to grieve for my grandma. Planning a much needed vacation with my sister. Working two tense elections as a poll worker. There is just so much to feel hopeless about. I struggle to find color and beauty in the life I am living because it all seems so buried by pain and conflict.  I watch dear childhood friends embracing gays as brothers and sisters in Christ. Hear of other friends with serious health issues.  Watch an Uncle...

Day One  I donated blood the other day and after the phlebotomists had to do everything in the books to keep me from fainting I got suspicious. When I came home I stripped off some clothes and stepped on the scales. My discovery was this: I now weigh what  I did when I was thirteen, not completely filled out, and an inch or two shorter.

Dear Blog Readers, I have a confession to make: I have this disease called "I am single and don't want to get married." (Don't worry, it's not contagious) And yes, I know we all have those friends who claim they are happy and content single but the day a guy finally asks them out they confess they've been dying to get married for years. I'm not that person. I could have been married twice already had I wanted to be. I could still get married at this moment if I chose to return one gentleman's interest.