FYI--Finding Your Identity

Most people have no idea I struggled with my identity as a teen. In fact, when my mother reviewed a book for someone else on how to deal with their teens she informed me that she got nothing out of it for herself. "You're just not a normal teen." she told me. "You aren't  having an identity crisis." I chuckled and walked away to type out an email to my best friend about how I felt I could not get out of my older siblings' shadows and truly be myself.

Don't judge my parents, I have a poker face.

Now, before I go further I am going to apologize to any guys reading my blog.  I know they struggle to find their identity too but since I am a female, my experience and thoughts come from that perspective and center around many issues that, primarily, girls face. No matter your gender however my conclusion will be the same so I urge you to wade through to the end.

My own search looks nothing like any one else's, because I am not anyone else. And yet it looks the same as all young peoples' because we are all looking for the same thing--our identity.

From age 12 to early 14 I went entirely punk/emo. I wore short dresses, leggings and converses everywhere. Oh, and I don't forget the hats. One look at my clothes said that I was edgy and didn't care what others thought of my style.

Then midway through my 14th year we joined the local home school group (yes, of course I was home schooled--all bloggers were at some point in their lives. JK ;) ) and the popular kids were the athletic ones. I decided leggings and short dresses were for tweens and tumbled out of bed every morning into sweat pants, a t-shirt, and a messy bun. People glanced at me and knew I was good at sports...except that I really wasn't...*cough, cough*

Then I turned 15 and decided I was going to be a cowgirl. I spent my birthday money buying a pair of boots and cycled my clothing over to plaid button downs and denim. I took pride in the fact that people told me I pulled off a t-shirt tucked into a studded belt well. They saw that I was a girl who cared more about animals and having a good time outside than staying clean right?

A little over a year later came my 50's swing. All of my dresses had full skirts and I gained an admirable collection of cardigans. The folks I met knew immediately that I was a classic with a love of WWII history.

Clothing aside I tried out other things as well. Piano, photography, drawing, blogging, graphic design, etc. For several years I wrote voraciously and believed I showed promise of being a future best-selling author.

My older siblings were all extremely talented. One of my brothers was academically brilliant and the other one could work miracles with his hands. My big sister however was the one that inadvertently caused my identity the most grief. She was and is a genius. She is also ten years older than I. (Many of you fellow younger siblings can see where this is going can't you?)

She won art contests, took pictures for pay, had her writing published (and I don't mean self-published but a-publisher-chose-her published), ran a blog with hundreds of followers, jammed on the piano with musical friends, and the list goes on. She was witty, charming, outgoing, and sympathetic. Everyone loves my sister.

I felt that there were no areas left untouched for little ole me and everything I did appeared to be a copy of my sister. When grown-ups asked me what my interests were they would word it something like this, "Do you want to be a photographer (author, artist, insert what you want) like your sister?" If you ever happen to be in the position of older-family-friend-questioning-younger-sibling don't do this!!

I became desperate to find my own niche. 

I examined the few things she did not like and tried my hand at them. I did not have much success. For example, cooking. I discovered I didn't like it any better than she did and had 10 less years of experience and was therefore still the worse chef.

My journals from this time show that I was going through everything your average teenager goes through. I wanted to know who I was and I wanted others to know that I was not my older sister, or any of my other siblings.

But enough about the agony everyone experiences through those 6 years. You all have your own similar stories  and I'm sure you don't need to hear mine so let me sum up.

Entering my teens I thought that by the time I hit my twenties I would look a certain way. That image changed many times through my teen years and now that I am in my twenties I can look back with a laugh and say they were all wrong. I don't wear converses. I don't take pictures. And other than my journal, letters, and sporadic blogging I don't write.

Instead I have studied herbology, gardening, play the violin, refinish furniture, water color, write poetry, and dress classically modern. My favorite color even changed from purple to blue.

There is only one thing that stayed the same through the roller coaster of hormones and questions.

The Lord Jesus Christ. I had trusted Him when I was 11 so He entered high school with me and He is still with me today when I am in my 20's.

Hebrews 13:8 says, "Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever."

All through those years of searching for myself I found Him instead, over and over. He never changed, no matter how much I did. 

As a teen (or older--teens aren't the only ones who struggle with this!) we are looking for what defines us--what make us, us!  We are searching for our identity. I know it's been said a hundred times but let me urge you again to find that identity in Christ. Become known as that "Jesus person"! Don't worry about whether people see you as a punk/emo kid, or a writer, or a romantic, etc. Sure, explore some of those things; you are testing out interests to see what ones are really worth pursuing. But in all your searching make sure you always find yourself--at the feet of Jesus.

Because the older you get, the more you begin to realize that He is all that really matters.