The Lesson I Was Missing

My most recent watercolor--a phoenix!

I've always liked the idea of the mythical phoenix--a bird that ends it's life in a crash of flames and then rises from it's ashes a new creature. I like to think of it  as a picture of myself. I burn up, crash, and turn to blackened ash, but thanks to the Lord I rise again with strength renewed.
As I have mentioned before the past two years have been full of stress for me and starting in March of this year much of it came to a head. I was working several tense elections, taking an extensive class, preparing for an orchestra concert, planning a trip, and of course, dealing with a potential relationship.

During that time, my dearest Uncle went to his deathbed, my Grandma contracted terminal cancer, a close friend left for the summer, another got in a relationship, and my sister had a severe heartache of her own.

My health plummeted. I lost weight until I was too thin and my blood sugar went on a roller coaster ride causing my hormones to spin out of control.

After the sudden ending to my friendship with Mac I began to seriously research hypoglycemia. The symptoms fit but without a very expensive and time consuming test I had no proof. Nevertheless I began eating as if I was hypoglycemic.

I had struggled to understand what God wanted to teach me during that time. On my knees I had begged Him to show me why He was putting me through this. My relationship was with Him was strong despite my depression. Perhaps even, because of my depression. I couldn't understand what more He could desire from me.

And then, with more purposeful eating habits and one very relaxing night with my closest friend I began to feel human again. I took interest in the my future, in several potential friendships, in new endeavors and I at long last began to climb out of my emotional twilight.

And there suddenly I see God's purpose in this. 

As my mental and physical state improves I feel less and less the need for Jesus. I push Him away. I ignore spending time with Him for exploring my newest interests. I find my joy in practicing my freshly acquired ukulele instead of reading His word.

I believe this is what the Lord wanted me to see. He wanted to point the contrast in my spiritual life that is directly related to my circumstances.

I am doing better physically and emotionally right now than I have for two years (gained back ten pounds for starters!) but, I am not doing well spiritually. I am lukewarm. Apathetic. Uninterested.

I had thought my depression was the "Ashes" stage of the phoenix. It turns out that was actually the "Fire" and I am now in the "Ash" stage.

So how do I rise again as a new bird full of fresh fire?

The answer, however much I do not want to accept it, is simple: James 4:10 says, "Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up."

It is time I stop waiting on my circumstances to create the right feelings but take charge and responsibility for my own spiritual life.