I Am A Monster//Dealing With Guilt
INFJ -- I've mentioned before that this is my Myers-Briggs personality type. What I haven't told you is that I am not all the internet believes an INFJ is. INFJ's are portrayed as rigidly upright, unfailingly thoughtful, unendingly self-less. I believe that most of those with this personality type are really like that. Or at least, do their best to be.
I am not like that.
I recently read a rather scathing but much needed article by someone who was not an INFJ but understands them better perhaps than many do themselves. In it they pointed out many of my major but well-hidden flaws.
#1) I have a superiority complex because of my inferiority complex.
This is hard to explain. Basically I believe that since I am different from everyone else, (i.e. can
better read other's feelings than your average human) I am special. Because I feel second hand
grief, pain, or sorrow, this makes me a better person than those with less empathetic
personalities.
#2) At the base of my apparent selflessness lies a taproot consisting of my priorities.
For instance, I do not hate and try to resolve conflict because it hurts two other people but
rather because it makes me uncomfortable. Or, I will listen to you pour your heart out because
I know you will then treasure me--not because I truly care.
#3) I use my "powers" for evil.
Though I may not be able to tell you off the top of my head what would upset any individual
when it comes down to it I can instinctively drive a knife into every insecurity you ever knew
you had and probably some you didn't. Make me angry ( a rare occurrence but it does happen)
and I will forget all of my better resolutions and pull out the stops. But don't forget, I am passive
aggressive so you may never realize what I am doing. I will not tell you you are horrible person,
I will drive you to that conclusion yourself.
#4) I never forgive.
It takes a lot to make me give you the infamous INFJ "Door Slam" but once I have done it you
are forever locked out.
#5) I assume the people I admire are angels.
(This is somewhat ironic since most people consider your average INFJ to be the angel.) If I
decide you are a pretty cool person you had better pray for perfection. One human slip and
*presto!* I give you the door slam.
Now that I have confessed to having a deep and nasty dark side let me share something else:
I also have a conscience.
I hate being a monster while trying to impersonate an angel.
After bouts of hardheartedness I go through periods of depression. I pull away from people, afraid of hurting them. Ever heard the song "Demons" by Imagine Dragons? I am firmly convinced that was written about me.
So Biblically, what is the right way for me to combat my inner beast?
First I cannot use my inherent fallibility as an excuse for damaging others. When I do hurt them, purposefully or on accident I need to go and ask for their forgiveness. Part of my humanity should be admitting to others that I am human and make mistakes.
Once I have apologized then it is time to go on the offensive. My natural inclination is to become despondent and wallow in my belief that I am a monster rather than doing something about it. To attack the beast inside of me my first recourse needs to be prayer. I need to ask the Lord to remove that which is bitter from my heart. Tell Him I know that I cannot do it myself. Beg that every day He will make me more and more like His perfect Son.
Last but not least I need to forgive myself. I am tempted to forever hold on to the guilt in a warped form of self-mortification. It feels more righteous to me. But it is not.
C. S. Lewis has a quote about this exact idea of mine:
I think that if God forgives us we must forgive ourselves. Otherwise it is almost like setting ourselves up as a higher tribunal than Him.
I have confessed before that I am very bad at concluding my posts. I find myself drawing little conclusions as I write and failing to come up with a nice tidy one at the end--but oh well. That proves to you that I am a real, imperfect person right? :)
I am not like that.
I recently read a rather scathing but much needed article by someone who was not an INFJ but understands them better perhaps than many do themselves. In it they pointed out many of my major but well-hidden flaws.
#1) I have a superiority complex because of my inferiority complex.
This is hard to explain. Basically I believe that since I am different from everyone else, (i.e. can
better read other's feelings than your average human) I am special. Because I feel second hand
grief, pain, or sorrow, this makes me a better person than those with less empathetic
personalities.
#2) At the base of my apparent selflessness lies a taproot consisting of my priorities.
For instance, I do not hate and try to resolve conflict because it hurts two other people but
rather because it makes me uncomfortable. Or, I will listen to you pour your heart out because
I know you will then treasure me--not because I truly care.
#3) I use my "powers" for evil.
Though I may not be able to tell you off the top of my head what would upset any individual
when it comes down to it I can instinctively drive a knife into every insecurity you ever knew
you had and probably some you didn't. Make me angry ( a rare occurrence but it does happen)
and I will forget all of my better resolutions and pull out the stops. But don't forget, I am passive
aggressive so you may never realize what I am doing. I will not tell you you are horrible person,
I will drive you to that conclusion yourself.
#4) I never forgive.
It takes a lot to make me give you the infamous INFJ "Door Slam" but once I have done it you
are forever locked out.
#5) I assume the people I admire are angels.
(This is somewhat ironic since most people consider your average INFJ to be the angel.) If I
decide you are a pretty cool person you had better pray for perfection. One human slip and
*presto!* I give you the door slam.
Now that I have confessed to having a deep and nasty dark side let me share something else:
I also have a conscience.
I hate being a monster while trying to impersonate an angel.
After bouts of hardheartedness I go through periods of depression. I pull away from people, afraid of hurting them. Ever heard the song "Demons" by Imagine Dragons? I am firmly convinced that was written about me.
So Biblically, what is the right way for me to combat my inner beast?
First I cannot use my inherent fallibility as an excuse for damaging others. When I do hurt them, purposefully or on accident I need to go and ask for their forgiveness. Part of my humanity should be admitting to others that I am human and make mistakes.
Once I have apologized then it is time to go on the offensive. My natural inclination is to become despondent and wallow in my belief that I am a monster rather than doing something about it. To attack the beast inside of me my first recourse needs to be prayer. I need to ask the Lord to remove that which is bitter from my heart. Tell Him I know that I cannot do it myself. Beg that every day He will make me more and more like His perfect Son.
Last but not least I need to forgive myself. I am tempted to forever hold on to the guilt in a warped form of self-mortification. It feels more righteous to me. But it is not.
C. S. Lewis has a quote about this exact idea of mine:
I think that if God forgives us we must forgive ourselves. Otherwise it is almost like setting ourselves up as a higher tribunal than Him.
I have confessed before that I am very bad at concluding my posts. I find myself drawing little conclusions as I write and failing to come up with a nice tidy one at the end--but oh well. That proves to you that I am a real, imperfect person right? :)
The Myers-Briggs personality test is fascinating, isn't it? It's kind of funny: I'm pretty much the exact opposite of your personality type, ESTJ, though sometimes I get ENTJ results. The CS Lewis quote is a good one. It's good to know our own weaknesses. The psalmist prayed, "But who can discern their own errors? Forgive my hidden faults." It's sweet to know that if we trust in the Lord to give us strength, when we are weak, He is strong. He gives us the courage and strength that we need.
ReplyDeleteI may get a little too fascinated with the Myers-Briggs system sometimes and bore my friends by rambling endlessly about it. ;)
DeleteESTJ's are lovely people. :) And believe it or not I have one ESTJ friend and another best friend who is an ESFJ with strong ESTJ leanings. Opposites do attract sometimes!
I love that quote from the Psalms! Thanks for sharing it!
As an INFJ myself, this really hit home. This whole post is so true, and it really is sad. This post was sso inspirational, thank you.
ReplyDelete*it is really sad.
ReplyDeleteINFJ's seem to congregate in the Bloggersphere don't they? :)
DeleteI'm blessed to hear my post encouraged you!
Glad also to see you are back from your break!
"I think that if God forgives us we must forgive ourselves. Otherwise it is almost like setting ourselves up as a higher tribunal than Him."—I love this. C.S. Lewis was a great guy. I watched this movie about him and it's driving me crazy because I can't remember it! It was so touching. *sigh*
ReplyDeleteIt's so hard to forgive ourselves, though. Guilt is so strong sometimes. It's like you're drowning in it, but you never die. You just stay in the water, you don't even try to push to the surface. You're too bound. You just keep wishing you could have air, but it's so far away. So impossible—it seems like it's impossible. All we have to do is have faith that if we push off the bottom, we'll be able to find our way to the top. God offers to give us peace and redemption, but we won't let go of our chains. It's crazy.
I hope I haven't come across as pushy or anything like that. I'm sorry if I have. :)
God Bless!
Not at all! Keep writing the long comments. Bloggers love them. :)
Delete