When Life Hands You...A Panic Attack

I nearly had a panic attack this morning.

This has not been an easy year for me and the thing that calmed me the most is gone. My "little girl" died a few months ago. After having had her fury coat to cuddle and wagging tail to welcome me home for nine years her passing has left a big hole.

Last week my boss told me that they can not afford me right now. Since I work at a non-profit a swinging and somewhat sporadic schedule was part of what I signed on for but she was warning of potentially a month of no work. I am pretty careful about spending money and I have savings but I have not quite gotten back to the spot I was before I bought my car in January and the thought potentially four weeks with no paycheck was unnerving.



Truth be told I was already frustrated with my job for different reasons. I knew there were issues with the way our place was run but I misjudged the roots and had hoped I could change them. The past month it was becoming more and more evident to me that I could not. Being a fixer person this nagged at me.

I have also been considering plans for the future. In the family that I grew up it was kind-of just assumed that a women shouldn't have long term plans. Her goal in life was to get married as young as possible and support her husband's plans.

While I definitely think that woman was created to be man's helpmeet I do not think that every woman was created to be married. I am also inclined to think that it's not very healthy for an unmarried thirty year old woman to be unemployed and still living with her parents. And if a woman needs to have the skill set to support herself as an unmarried thirty year old, she might want to think about acquiring those sooner than later.

In my own story I am not yet thirty but I am unmarried with no immediate prospects. And no urgent desire to be married. (Though my views may have changed on this somewhat from last year's post--something to write on another day!) It's probably time for me to come up with a legitimate way of supporting myself. And my current job can't do that.

Monday morning I woke up, realized I didn't have to go to work and then caught myself wondering if I ever would again. Every nagging doubt about my life came and whispered in my ear.  

I would never be successful at anything. Nothing I had ever done would really be considered useful. 

My mind started racing and I grabbed my computer to look for different jobs. There were plenty of fast-food positions, and about ten openings at the local call center which is generally considered the most emotionally draining job in my town. Nothing fit me and nothing would truly offer a means of support in the long term.

There was one other option I had vaguely tossed around for a year.

I could move.

My sister lived an hour away in a bigger town and there would be more options there. Besides, I was starting to feel cramped as a twenty-something still living with my parents. It just kind-of made sense to me.

When  I came out of my room my mom asked me if I had work. I said no and looking away she suggested quietly, "Maybe you should move."

We broached the subject to my dad who was the most likely to object. He didn't say much but admitted he could see the reason behind it. And when I called my sister she even knew of a few jobs. But several of them required some college--which I don't have.

I was able to put it out of my mind and work on some other things for the rest of the day and most of Tuesday. Then I began doing some research. There is a community college near my sister's town which offered me a full ride based on my ACT scores back when I graduated high school. They had a one year program to get a Technical Certificate in Business which would have the required classes.  If I could the same scholarships as a non-traditional not going for a full degree it would help me greatly.

It was all reasonable. I could move, get a good job, and go to school. It just made sense.

Then I woke up this morning and started actually filling out paperwork.

That's when the terror started creeping in.

See, I struggle to do things I have never done before. Especially if they involve interaction with other people.

I was gong to have to write up a resume (I always knew my previous employers personally and didn't have to have one). I needed  to redo my high school transcript and get it in correct shape. And could I handle the rejection if I didn't get the job or the scholarships I needed?

My heart began to speed up and my breathing got shallow. I couldn't be still. My mind started whirring. Not the I-am-nervous spin but the lack of connection to reality, unable to comprehend what was happening inside or outside. I felt dizzy. I was near tears.

And then I remembered I had felt this way before. A few times. The result was not something I liked.

Carefully I sat down at my desk and told myself I was about to have a panic attack (probably technically already was). I assured myself that I could handle it. I didn't have to solve my problems right then, just make it through the next few moments. I took deep measured breaths and eventually felt much more calm.

There is just one problem: I still have to write a resume and compile a transcript. And every time I think about it I realize I am holding my breath and my heart is speeding up.

Doctor's might suggest medicine but in the moment I am inclined to consider it a lack of trust in the Lord. Perhaps I am right but the guilt I feel is not productive. It keeps me from telling anyone that I am struggling. It only adds to the feeling of panic and hopelessness. And yet I find it impossible to uproot. A normal person would not be so terrified of doing normal things like this. A good Christian would rest in the Lord even in their fear. A strong woman would do what she needed to despite her feelings.

But I am crippled by something so simple.