An Adventure in Accepting Forgiveness

In a relationship, I always thought I would be the one to make it work. The one who fulfilled my duties, forgave unconditionally, and swallowed anything else that might go wrong.

It never occurred to me that I might mess up. I might be the one who made a mistake that had to be forgiven.

And that  I would have to accept this forgiveness. 

All my life I have worked and paid for myself. If I wanted something, I put forth the effort to get the money, saved, and bought it. If I broke something of someone else's, I replaced it.

A relationship is not like that. I cannot take back my harmful words or actions. Making up for them is not a possibility, the damage had already been caused. My only option? To say, "I'm so very sorry" and accept my man's forgiveness.

I have found this nearly impossible. I keep apologizing. Keep trying to make it up to him because I need a way to alleviate my guilt. I push him away because he inadvertently reminds me of my fault.

He finally stopped me the other day and said, "No more apologizing. It is all forgiven, in the past, worked through. Let's move forward."

It occurred to me I have the same battle with the Lord. I want to earn his forgiveness. I don't like feeling indebted! And when I can't seem to stop hurting Him, I push Him away.

But through it all, He still loves me, still woos me, still tries to bring me closer.

These thoughts and feelings are, of course, what we see pictured in Hosea (I have said before I sympathize with Gomer) and nothing new to the human race. Nevertheless, until I had a lover myself, I couldn't understand the full impact of God's love and desire for us.

It's incredibly humbling and terrifying.