Arnica Anonymous

When I was thirteen my head conquered my heart long enough for me to pray a prayer-- "Lord, if I am to get married then I beg that you would only ever have one guy, the right one, be interested in me." God has seen fit to not answer that prayer with a "yes".

I've mentioned in my most recent posts that I struggle with depression. This problem is not unique to me but I do fight with it more than your average Christian young woman. It all started when I was thirteen. An acquaintance came to visit our family for a week and become a good friend. When he left it suddenly occurred to me that he would never be coming back. We would never see him again. We would never laugh with him again. We would never have the chance to tease him again. (He actually left with plans to return soon but my premonition turned out correct--we never saw him again). At these thoughts my world tilted. I began noticing just how many friends dropped out of my life, older relatives died, etc. and over and over a question came to mind, "Is God really good?" There is not a more terrifying thing to doubt.

I open my palms, Feel the pain pour out, Drip down my fingers, I'm drenched in doubt. I have thrown my energy, Into begging for what I want, Not what you will. I tell myself it's okay, That God commands us, request. But what I am ignoring, Is that's only true when it's His best. I reach out my hands, Grasping at my dreams, As they slip past. I bow my head, Knowing they must go. But my rebellious heart, Wishes it were not so. They were what I lived for, They provided my hope, In them I saw my future. I lift my face, Frustration soaking my lashes, I know they're not right, But still I beg they'll rise from their ashes. My gaze needs turned, My eyes need refocused, There is One who can help. His dreams, His plans: He promises me a hope, And a future. For my good, And not my harm. My knees are week with sorrow, I can no longer stand. Buckling I bow, But raise an imploring hand. My hands at last close, Aro...

I finally finished it! I have run myself into the ground.  Nights of sleeplessness until midnight and then waking up with the birds at 5:30 am. Days full of running from one thing to another with no consistency from day to day. The seeming inability to eat enough calories to keep myself feeling well. The emotional roller coaster of having two people seriously interested in me at once. The lack of contact with my good friends who are all busy taking finals. Knowing my grandma has terminal cancer. Seeing my mother struggle to grieve for my grandma. Planning a much needed vacation with my sister. Working two tense elections as a poll worker. There is just so much to feel hopeless about. I struggle to find color and beauty in the life I am living because it all seems so buried by pain and conflict.  I watch dear childhood friends embracing gays as brothers and sisters in Christ. Hear of other friends with serious health issues.  Watch an Uncle...