Arnica Anonymous

  This year has been impossible to describe. I know I'm not the only one who feels that way.  Apart from COVID-19 turning the world upside down it's brought some unexpected life events for me. When we moved Grandma in with us almost two years ago, we did it with the goal of providing her love and care until the moment she went to be with Jesus. We knew it would be difficult, and though specific elements might have surprised us, we always agreed together that we had signed up for this. Grandma Dear has advanced so far into Dementia that she spends her days either rambling, calling my Mom's name every 15 seconds, or, more frequently calling for "Mother" and "Daddy"--my parents. She also is completely enveloped by constant crippling fear to the point that it often took three of us to transfer her from her chair to the bedside commode and back again. All while she was bawling and begging "No, no, no!" It brought a rise of varied emotions.  Frustrat...

(I finally gave my Adventure Buddy a link to this blog. It’s such a separated part of my life I honestly didn’t think of it before. I felt very nervous knowing he could access it. But in just the first night he read half of it. And he says I should keep writing. Lucky you! 😉 ) I’ve been struggling lately with complete disinterest in anything spiritual. Or perhaps, not struggling since I haven’t really tried to improve my situation. More like apathy. When I told my AB this he asked “Why?” Truthfully, I don’t know. I could blame it on others. My church, my coworkers, quarantine. But I really don’t think I have a good excuse. I’ve just become lazy. Recently my Facebook feed has seemed to be full of divorcing couples. I hate this. How can someone the Bible says you become one with suddenly become something you want out of your life? It doesn’t make sense. Or it shouldn’t. These situations always make me wonder, what went wrong? Who messed up, and how? I know everyone make...

In every storm, fly high. So...I just kinda walked away from this blog didn't I? It's my place to vent, express the feelings that overwhelm me, and sometimes frighten others. Which makes it a sad, dark place. I don't always like to be reminded of that part of me. But, I also don't really want Arnica Anonymous to be that way. Oddly, when I chose the name and color scheme I did it because yellow is a happy color. This blog was intended to be an honest record of struggles, healing, and my ever upward journey towards Christ and true joy. But I think it's safe to acknowledge I've had an unusually rough time since about fall of 2018 and it's been more of a wild rollercoaster than a constant climb higher. I am trying to change that. I can't change my circumstances. I still have a difficult relationship balance with my parents and SO. I still struggle, perhaps more and more lately, with my Grandma's increasing slide into dementia. Those ...

This year has been extremely dark for me. Some of my worst fears have come to life and more often than not I have desired the coward's way out--death. When I am drowning in guilt and mistakes and struggled with the conviction that God is punishing me I have found comfort in Psalm 130. These words acknowledge both of those feelings but counters them with: if God was really going to punish us, no one would be left alive. Instead, we have forgiveness and hope in Him. Psalm 130 A song of ascents. 1  Out of the depths  I cry to you,   Lord ; 2       Lord, hear my voice. Let your ears be attentive      to my cry for mercy. 3  If you,  Lord , kept a record of sins,      Lord, who could stand? 4  But with you there is forgiveness,      so that we can, with reverence, serve you. 5  I wait for the  Lord ,  my whole being waits,    ...

Ever looked at someone's Instagram and thought, "Wow. If I were them life would be perfect?" I struggle with this a lot. That girl who regularly posts flawless pictures on Facebook, hair floating perfectly, makeup spotless, handsome guy staring at her adoringly. I want to be her. I see the pictures and think, if only I would be willing to get up earlier and do my hair. If I bought that expensive lipstick I saw in the store. If I didn't let myself wear t-shirts. If only my guy and I got along as perfectly as that. Facebook. Instagram. Pinterest. Those are the highest sources of discontent in my life.

I do have good days believe it or not. Things make me laugh, smile, and want to dance. This blog is more a place to express my thoughts rather than actions so you don't see my happy side much. So I thought, why not branch out and do something different today? I looked through my phone and found some pictures of my life to share. Hope you can relax and enjoy!   My Adventure Buddy and I both got off early and watched the sun set at my favorite spot before church one Wednesday evening. It was a wonderful memory maker.