Arnica Anonymous

There have been so many times when I really thought this day would never come. Now that it's here I have mixed feelings about it. I do not want to work in my degree. I did not enjoy school.  But... I have grown like the weeds in my garden--so much and so fast.

I was in my last semester of college with harder classes than ever before. I had a painful ovarian cyst. I was out of a job. I was in a wreck which totaled my car. I felt like I never had time alone since my Grandma moved in. My parents were frustrated with my guy for not responding to an email they sent. My guy thought they just wanted an argument and was avoiding making a reply. I couldn't make either understand. The scale stopped showing three digits. If I went more than 24 hours without crying I felt I had accomplished something. I was going crazy.

In a relationship, I always thought I would be the one to make it work. The one who fulfilled my duties, forgave unconditionally, and swallowed anything else that might go wrong. It never occurred to me that I might mess up. I might be the one who made a mistake that had to be forgiven. And that  I would have to accept this forgiveness.  All my life I have worked and paid for myself. If I wanted something, I put forth the effort to get the money, saved, and bought it. If I broke something of someone else's, I replaced it. A relationship is not like that. I cannot take back my harmful words or actions. Making up for them is not a possibility, the damage had already been caused. My only option? To say, "I'm so very sorry" and accept my man's forgiveness. I have found this nearly impossible. I keep apologizing. Keep trying to make it up to him because I need a way to alleviate my guilt. I push him away because he inadvertently reminds me of my fault. ...

I keep starting this post and then feeling overwhelmed at the thought of all that has occurred. So I put it off until a future time and...even more happens! 😄 I apologize for a lengthy post. We got my Grandma moved in with us. In many ways, it has been easier emotionally than we anticipated.  We all feel the loss of time and liberty but mostly, it's enjoyable to have her here. I survived my finals--fever and all. Quite frankly, by the time they occurred, I had more important things on my mind and was too exhausted to care about my scores. I walked out with a 3.93 GPA and am convincing myself that is acceptable. Started back for the spring semester last week. So far, so good! At the beginning of 2019, I quit my job at the community music education center. Last week, in the midst of filling out paperwork to accept a librarian position at school, I received a call informing me there had been a clerical error. I was not actually eligible for a work-study and should never hav...

Let's face it, October was a little bit of hell for me. Midterms, uncertainty about whether or not I could finish school next semester, preparing to move my Grandma in with us, campaigning for my dad's election, guy problems, car problems--you name it, it happened.

My plans, I had them laid out. All nice and clear and straight. In bold clean ink, I wrote them. But then, along came fate. They were tumbled, crashed, knocked over, Bruising deeply as they fell. Each way I turned now blocked me in, They’d formed a living hell. I tried to rearrange them, Rebuild my shattered dreams, But they cut my hands, tore my arms, And muffled all my screams. Broken down and fainting, I knew I had no hope. Till somewhere up above me, There simply dropped a rope. Desperate for my freedom, I grabbed at it to flee, The rope, it wasn’t strong enough. It broke and I fell free. The darkness it encompassed me. Complete, and black, and thick. I bowed my head and gave up. My heart soon slowed its tick. I know You have a purpose, Designed a perfect plan, But sometimes I can’t see it, Since I am just a man. I feel so often shattered, Helpless to fix my life, Surrounded by my upset goals, A path ...

It would surprise most people (including those I live with) to know how often I struggle with depression. It's something I have always felt guilty for because nothing in my life is really that bad. And doesn't God say that He should be our joy and we should find contentment in Him? Therefore if I have chronic blues, aren't I doing something wrong? So I laugh at life when I can and keep my sadness to myself. Regardless of the answer to my questions, the fact remains, feeling joyful does not come naturally to me. I have to go after joy with a pickax. One thing I have started doing recently is "Listing the Positives". A hike in perfect weather this afternoon The multi-colored leaves of Autumn The specialized calculator that was given to me so I no longer have to get to school and use theirs an for an hour before my 8 am class The package of GF Oreos my darling mother gave me My violin -- always and forever listed as a positive A freshly renewed friends...