Arnica Anonymous

Looking back through my posts I am disappointed, but not especially surprised, to see how "me" focused they are. "Here is what I have done wrong." "Here is what the Lord is teaching me. " etc., etc. They are not necessarily me talking about what an awesome person I am but they are still selfish. Focused on my works and not Christ's. I can be a perfectionist and in my spiritual life this boils down to unending efforts to be a good enough person that God won't regret saving me. Terrible theology, I know. (Update: ran across this thundering verse of love and grace immediately after writing this post-- “I, I am he who blots out your transgressions for my own sake, and I will not remember your sins." Isaiah 43:25 -- my sins were blotted out not for my sake, but the Lord's.) So how to end this cycle of navel gazing? Stop talking, thinking, and focusing on myself.  I need to stop working so hard to better myself and instead, fol

So...I wasn't exactly intending to take a break from blogging. Sometimes though, life throws unexpected things (good and bad) at us and all we can do is accept them from the Lord and deal with them. I copied the following song into the front of my current journal because I felt it perfectly fit my life right now. I often feel like I am completely ruining everything with my ignorance and stupidity. And then I have to take a deep breath and remind myself that God covers me with grace. He forgives me and will work everything out for my benefit. Yes, I am out of control of my own life. But I trust the One who is controlling it and am so thankful for the grace He offers to me.

When I started volunteering at the local crisis pregnancy center in April of this year my plan was to do all their behind the scenes work. Counting money, cleaning, making copies, etc. I was good with but nothing directly involving the clients. I knew dealing with them would drive me nuts. And then a child, pregnant with a middle aged man's baby, walked in the door and looked me in the eyes.

I told a friend that this had been a "bitter" year for me. You readers have gotten to see a lot of this so I won't go in to further detail. I will explain however the kick in the pants that I got a few weeks after making this statement. You see, I just happened to run across a collection of verses on "Joy" and  it dawned on me that many of them were not suggestions. They were commands . And I was reminded of a quote I discovered several years ago: "Be thankful for what you have. Your life, no matter how bad you think it is, is someone else's fairy tale."  ~  Wale Ayeni (no idea who this person is but I like the quote) I may not feel like counting my blessing but nevertheless, God has told me to do so and I believe it is because when I do, I tend to have a change of attitude. Compared to many other peoples' my year was not that bad. After all, I started water-coloring, picked up the ukulele, got certified as a Master Gardener, be

A few weeks ago I told one of my friends, "You know, I am nothing like I would have expected to be ten years ago. Or even five years ago."  After all, I grew up as a tom-boy believing all emotions were useless things that got in the way of logic and sense and that functionality always trumped beauty.

INFJ -- I've mentioned before that this is my Myers-Briggs personality type. What I haven't told you is that I am not all the internet believes an INFJ is. INFJ's are portrayed as rigidly upright, unfailingly thoughtful, unendingly self-less. I believe that most of those with this personality type are really like that.  Or at least, do their best to be. I am not like that.

  (I would recommend caution for young readers. This post is unusually gritty for me and may not be suitable for young minds.) It's a rare thing that I feel the need to add my two cents to a viral controversy but a recent influx of Facebook posts by some friends I once loved dearly has made me think a lot and you get to reap the benefits of this thinking! ;) The controversial issue I am speaking of is modesty.

I have always enjoyed the book of Philippians though until today I had not known why. This morning as  I began my (sometimes) daily Bible study I decided to do a little research on the setting of Philippians. It's a sweet story.

My most recent watercolor--a phoenix! I've always liked the idea of the mythical phoenix--a bird that ends it's life in a crash of flames and then rises from it's ashes a new creature. I like to think of it  as a picture of myself. I burn up, crash, and turn to blackened ash, but thanks to the Lord I rise again with strength renewed.

When I was younger I saw that life was simple and straightforward. I knew the right things to do and I knew that if I did them, my life would be pleasant. But that is not always the way God chooses to teach me lessons. Sometimes,  I need to have my life not follow perfect patterns so that I have to lean on Jesus more. That is the story of Mac.

When I was thirteen my head conquered my heart long enough for me to pray a prayer-- "Lord, if I am to get married then I beg that you would only ever have one guy, the right one, be interested in me." God has seen fit to not answer that prayer with a "yes".

I've mentioned in my most recent posts that I struggle with depression. This problem is not unique to me but I do fight with it more than your average Christian young woman. It all started when I was thirteen. An acquaintance came to visit our family for a week and become a good friend. When he left it suddenly occurred to me that he would never be coming back. We would never see him again. We would never laugh with him again. We would never have the chance to tease him again. (He actually left with plans to return soon but my premonition turned out correct--we never saw him again). At these thoughts my world tilted. I began noticing just how many friends dropped out of my life, older relatives died, etc. and over and over a question came to mind, "Is God really good?" There is not a more terrifying thing to doubt.

I open my palms, Feel the pain pour out, Drip down my fingers, I'm drenched in doubt. I have thrown my energy, Into begging for what I want, Not what you will. I tell myself it's okay, That God commands us, request. But what I am ignoring, Is that's only true when it's His best. I reach out my hands, Grasping at my dreams, As they slip past. I bow my head, Knowing they must go. But my rebellious heart, Wishes it were not so. They were what I lived for, They provided my hope, In them I saw my future. I lift my face, Frustration soaking my lashes, I know they're not right, But still I beg they'll rise from their ashes. My gaze needs turned, My eyes need refocused, There is One who can help. His dreams, His plans: He promises me a hope, And a future. For my good, And not my harm. My knees are week with sorrow, I can no longer stand. Buckling I bow, But raise an imploring hand. My hands at last close, Aro

I finally finished it! I have run myself into the ground.  Nights of sleeplessness until midnight and then waking up with the birds at 5:30 am. Days full of running from one thing to another with no consistency from day to day. The seeming inability to eat enough calories to keep myself feeling well. The emotional roller coaster of having two people seriously interested in me at once. The lack of contact with my good friends who are all busy taking finals. Knowing my grandma has terminal cancer. Seeing my mother struggle to grieve for my grandma. Planning a much needed vacation with my sister. Working two tense elections as a poll worker. There is just so much to feel hopeless about. I struggle to find color and beauty in the life I am living because it all seems so buried by pain and conflict.  I watch dear childhood friends embracing gays as brothers and sisters in Christ. Hear of other friends with serious health issues.  Watch an Uncle die while ref

My first two water coloring attempts. I still have not finished the painting I shared in my last post. More than anyone else I know I struggle with boredom. This is not because I have nothing to do. In fact, the busier and more stressed I am the more bored I find myself. I simply require frequent change in my life to keep me interested. (This seems to be a rare characteristic for an INFJ)

Day One  I donated blood the other day and after the phlebotomists had to do everything in the books to keep me from fainting I got suspicious. When I came home I stripped off some clothes and stepped on the scales. My discovery was this: I now weigh what  I did when I was thirteen, not completely filled out, and an inch or two shorter.

Gianna turned to me in a brief lull between hand-shakers and asked, "Are you doing okay?" Surprised that she was checking up on me I nodded. "I'm fine." Gianna Jessen's mother went through a saline abortion when seven months pregnant with her but contrary to everyone but God's plans Gianna survived. She was left with cerebral palsy, a powerful story, and a fiery passion. The crisis pregnancy center I volunteer at felt so blessed to have her as their speaker for their annual fundraising banquet. There was just one small question: would Gianna make it? Her flight was scheduled to arrive at 2:30 giving us plenty of time to get her, drive two hours to our home town, and allow her a chance to rest at the hotel and dress. My sister was to be her taxi service so when I called her at 3:30 I was a bit surprised to hear she was not at the airport. The office manager pulled me aside and whispered in my ear, "Between you and I our speaker may not be ab

Throughout my sporadic and fickle blogging years I have noticed that the posts in which I share a struggle or a difficult life event are always my most popular. Why is this? Let me suggest it is for the same reason that we find solace in books and movies. We want to know that we are not alone.

Yesterday was my last day of the 30 Days of Gratitude Challenge! Thanks for reading my lists every week! March 28th Prompt : What small thing happened today that you are grateful for? My Answer : I found a book at the library that I've been looking forward to reading since it came out in November.  March 29th Prompt : What friend/family member are you grateful for today. My Answer : There are so many choices but I'll go with my oldest nephew. He's such a sweet and thoughtful little guy with a good sense of humor. He brightens my days and I can't imagine life with out him. March 30th Prompt :What talent or skill do you have that you are grateful for? My Answer : (Isn't this the same as "abilities" which they asked me on the 13th??) Writing which has given me the potential job of tutoring two girls this summer. Have you ever done a 30 day challenge before? What are you grateful for this month?

Dear Blog Readers, I have a confession to make: I have this disease called "I am single and don't want to get married." (Don't worry, it's not contagious) And yes, I know we all have those friends who claim they are happy and content single but the day a guy finally asks them out they confess they've been dying to get married for years. I'm not that person. I could have been married twice already had I wanted to be. I could still get married at this moment if I chose to return one gentleman's interest.

This week's prompts inspired some interesting answers. I recommend an "R" rated movie, lock my keys in the car, and mention my toothbrush! If you want to see previous posts on the gratitude challenge I am doing this month click here . March 21st Prompt : What song are you most grateful for? My Answer : Different songs have encouraged me at different times. I have been listening to and enjoying the one below most recently. March 22nd Prompt : What story are you most grateful for? My Answer : Apart from Bible stories, which would be the most correct and obvious answer, I would have to say at this point it would be the true story of Desmond T. Doss. I recently watched the movie Hacksaw Ridge (Doss' story) and was so encouraged. {As a side note I do recommend this movie but keep in mind it is "R" rated. There is a large dose of language and violence/disturbing images throughout.} March 23rd Prompt : What tradition are you

Most people have no idea I struggled with my identity as a teen. In fact, when my mother reviewed a book for someone else on how to deal with their teens she informed me that she got nothing out of it for herself. "You're just not a normal teen." she told me. "You aren't  having an identity crisis." I chuckled and walked away to type out an email to my best friend about how I felt I could not get out of my older siblings' shadows and truly be myself. Don't judge my parents, I have a poker face.

I'm experimenting with my phone's camera and having a very difficult time getting the focus in the correct spot. This is my neighbors' back yard and would you look at all those flowers? Who couldn't like Spring when it looks like this?! I'll admit that the only thing keeping me going on this challenge is the knowledge that I have to post my answers every Monday. So good job guys! You're providing incentive. Keep up the good work.😉 Click here if you want to see the others in this series. March 14th Prompt: What sight are you grateful for today? My Answer: The number "97" on the test for my boating license. (I needed an 80 to pass.) March 15th Prompt: What season are you grateful for? My Answer: Spring!!! It's my favorite season and the one I'm in right now!  March 16th Prompt: What about your body are you grateful for? My Answer: (I never like these "body image" questions!) My freckles. They help hide wh

Last month my brother and sister-in-law introduced me to The Bible Project . I can't describe them very well so just click on the link and watch their homepage video for yourself. One of my goals for this year was to read through the New Testament twice. Right now I am about half way through my first pass and each time I finish a book of the NT I look up the corresponding video from The Bible Project. I am a rather visual person so I love their illustrated outlines. They allow me to see and understand the concepts without getting lost in the technical words. I can't tell you how many light bulb moments I've had since I started watching them. This Monday I finished reading James and watched the video above. I was amazed that I had never noticed the book's correlation to the Sermon on the Mount but I had to admit, once they pointed it out the ties were obviously there. Have you ever heard of The Bible Project? What did you think of this video on James? 

To see the first six days of this challenge as well as the prompts for all thirty click here .

I have not had much time for breathing this week much less blogging. I had orchestra practice, put in my weekly hours volunteering at the local crisis pregnancy center, spent two evenings getting involved with a local churches' (not mine) outreach to internationals, went hiking with an old high school friend, and attended a meet and greet for the Master Gardeners Class that I am planning on attending in April. Every evening I was home, and many of the evenings I was not, my family had company. I cooked three suppers out of the five week day ones, made bread, and cleaned in between waves of over night guests. To top it off I had signed up for a three day online class complete with lectures and handouts which occurred in the latter half of this week. Oh, and how could I forget?? I jammed my left thumb playing volleyball last night and it is now both painful and immobile from swelling.  Like I said, it has been a busy week! But it has also been one of the most satisfying wee

One of my New Year's resolutions was to do one 30 day challenge every month. January's was a vocabulary challenge where I learned a new word every day. February's involved planking for an increasing amount of time every day...I failed this one. March's challenge comes from the above picture. My hope is that if I share my answers to the prompts every week or so I will actually complete this one.

I am an avid reader. As in, I-read-an-average-of-100-books-a-year avid. And, I-have-miscellaneous-books-stacked-on-every-surface-in-my-room avid. Because of this habit I frequently get asked how, as a Christian, I choose books worth reading. My methods have evolved over the years but his past summer was the first time I actually wrote down some guidelines. They were primarily inspired by a book called Set-Apart Femininity by Leslie Ludy (a book I would recommend for any single Christian young woman over the age of 16). When I skim the back cover or inside flap of a book at the library I ask myself the beginning questions. If I think the novel passes inspection I will take it home but as I read it I keep these questions in mind. When I am done reading the book I ask myself the questions at the end of this list. Before/during a book: Will this book glorify darkness, perversion, mock God or make sin seem noble even in subtle ways? Will this book influence me toward materi

I stand before You Tall and proud, My talents on show, My gifts avowed. I present to You All the reasons why, You should ask me To be Your ally.  I say You should give me Your eternal life In exchange for my assets-- My strengths are rife! You sit on Your throne, Your chin on one hand, Raise an eyebrow, And sigh over all I have planned. "I gave you all that." You speak of my list. "The thing I want most, You've entirely missed." "I don't need your offerings, nor your sacrifice. Your impressive talk Doesn't make me think twice. "You may not share my throne, Or ever take part  Without a cracked spirit And a contrite heart." I have mentioned before that I don't write poetry, especially not rhyming poetry, but this morning I was thinking about Psalm 51 and the words just came. It's not perfect in meter but I'm sharing it anyway. Also, any ideas for a name? I cou

It hangs above all our heads, While often slipping by unnoticed. Our lives can hold a little, Or a lot. Sometimes we find it good, And sometimes bad. The point is not the quality, Or quantity that each one gets, Or that all are subjected to it's passing. Rather, in the end the question is, Have we wasted it, Or invested it wisely? ~Yours Truly~ I've always said I could not write poetry though all of my siblings and both of my parents do. I enjoy writing riddles however, so I decided to combine the concept of free verse with a riddle. What do you think? More importantly, what is the poem speaking of?

Since I am blogging anonymously* I don't see much point in introducing myself. Let's skip that and dive right in to what I have been thinking about a learning lately as it relates to my life and the Bible.  My Grandma moved recently into an independent living center. In order to fit into her new apartment she had to severely downsize which was sad for a book lover like herself. "Arnica," she called me over to the box she was packing one snowy afternoon. "I wish you would take this book. It is very good but I don't think I need it any more." She held out a fuzzy blue copy of Disciplines of the Beautiful Woman by Anne Ortlund. "Thanks Grandma!" I smiled and took it from her. "Mom and I read one of her other books together when I was in high school and I learned a lot from it. I'll enjoy this one." And I have.